Vladmir Strikes Back! x

The Story of America's Beginning

2010-07-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

In the year 1776 on that fateful morning of July 4th, the brightest thinkers in all of the colonies came together to declare their independence from the tyrannical British government. Of course, they charged other colonists $20 each for the hardcover version and accused them of being un-Anti-Authoritarian if they refused to buy it or, even, if they refused to watch their show on FOX News.

1/3 of the colonists did, 1/3 of the colonists did not, and 1/3 of the colonists were slaves who, frankly, didn't give a shit what the name of the white man was who was lording over them.

So there it started, Thomas Paine ordered cheap Chinese fireworks for the festivities but inadvertently started a huge war when the Brits mistook them for nuclear weapons. See, a much overlooked fact of history is that once the Declaration (#DecIndie was the tag for it on Twitter) was signed, the British were ready to give up power without a fight. The colonists had no taste for football and the British simply could not rule over such an uncivilized mass of farts who didn't see the merits of a game ending in a tie.

Frightened to the point of panty-sore, King Freddy Poonsauce amassed his great armies under the direction of General Cornholis. Huge battles began. First, the British won a battle and the Brits pretty much gave up and started stalling because 1-0 is unsurmountable. But the Americans, much more accustomed to Basketball, knew that 1-0 meant nothing. They fought back and they fought back hard. Soon it was tied at 1-1. The Brits gave up. That was good enough for them.

But the Americans... they had read the Overton Window and knew that victory did not stop at a tie. So they won the next battle.

The end.

Plugging up the oil

2010-06-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

Here's my solution to the BP oil leak that wont stop ejaculating.

I figure my idea's as good as anyone's at this point.

Instead of using golf balls and pubic hair to clog it up, why not use the carcasses of dead animals that the oil has killed?

You wont have to beg for any pube donations.

FLK

2010-05-29T00:59:00.000-07:00

I was enjoying an Italian restaurant meal tonight with a few friends and noticed a really fat mom with a proportionally fatter 5 year old. The kid was round, for God's sake. Being the asshole that I am, I started making fun on the two to approving snickers of my comrades.

As they kept snickering, I kept going. But soon my jokes went from mean-spirited fun to a passionate diatribe about irresponsible parents sending their kids to their early deaths and short lives full of unhappiness. The world is a mean, nasty place.

I wanted to pull the mom aside and let her know that I, a 24 year old adult, spent my entire dinner making fun of the kid over something the kid couldn't control. Imagine what the schoolyard will be like for her. It's not her fault her mom feeds her nothing but pure crap. The kid probably has diabetes and if she doesn't, she will.

It's fine to eat crap. It's your goddamned choice as a dumb human. I eat crap and I pay for it. It's my right to suffer the consequences of my own laziness. Mother, you can eat all the Happy Meals you want but don't force your own depression and dissatisfaction with your own life down your kid's throat. Her life will be full of pain, her life will be unhealthy, her life will be short. And it'll be all your fault, mommy.

Don't have kids if you can't take care of them. Fine, get the kid a Happy Meal every once in awhile. But make sure she eats some fuckin' carrots.

America, eat your fucking heart out.

On the way out, my comrades advised me against looking at the fat kid and her fat, dumbfuck, retarded, waste of breath mom on my way out. I couldn't help it. The kid was the saddest looking kid I ever saw eating some great spumoni.

You've fed her so much crap that she can't even appreciate what should be an occasional delight; spumoni. Instead, like the rest of the processed garbage you feed her, she treats it like any other food: a chore to calm the insatiable appetite you taught her.

Fuck you.

Out

2010-03-08T12:08:00.001-08:00

This site has gone in and out of existence lately.

It will continue to do so.

There is something here to be mad about.

Fuck you, I'm writing a post

2010-03-08T00:23:00.000-08:00

I'm getting into this recessionomics thing every talking head was political meme-ing about throughout early 2009. You know the whole story about the word "staycation," and other meaningless bullshit they farted about back in those days.

Now that Meg Whitman is running for governor (something only her live-in female "roommate" could have anticipated) I decided to get to know her a little more intimately by selling all my shit on eBay.

eBay's like this site where you can totally be matched up to different sellers and buyers through a sophisticated process known as capitalism.

Idiocracy. Who the fuck liked that movie? Why the fuck did I have it? And why the fuck was someone willing to pay me 11 fucking dollars for it?

When I was a puberty stricken adolescent, my mom sold my NES at a garage sale to a family of tough negotiatin' African Americans. My mom had set the price at $60. They said $5. Confused and worried that her price was too high, she yelled for me. Being a dumb ass fuck head, I went out looking like an idiot with my hair unbrushed. I was chewing on a donut and I had another donut in my hand. My breath stunk of all night long AIM chatting and my hands were dry from wasting-an-entire-cartridge-of-color-ink-on-photos-of-women-touching-their-pussies-to-take-to-the-shower-and-beat-off-to (or: beating-off-while-taking-a-shit-then-quickly-A.C.-Slater-straddle-the-toilet-seat-to-shoot-in-the-bowl).

I stuck out my hand for a shake. They declined.

"$5, kid," the lady looked at me. She had on sunglasses and it was overcast outside.

"No, way. Not for sale," I said.

"I can walk into any Toys-R-Us and buy one of these for $15."

Long story short, Ma sold it for $15 and it included every single fucking one of our games. Not to mention the fact that this happened a month ago and there's no fucking way a Toys R Us carries an NES. Even our fucking Game Genie.

Now, some Buttercup puts their god damn system up on eBay with some shitty games and makes a whole year's of work out of it.

I'm not saying I have a copy of Stadium Events. I'm saying those bastards have it.

The END.

The thing I hate about Super Mario Bros Wii

2009-12-04T00:20:00.001-08:00

Is that the 6 year old kids in the commercial are having a fucking blast playing the game. I'm an adult and I feel like kicking babies every time I play the damn game.

Rent-A-Cops

2009-11-17T11:07:00.000-08:00

Security guards have got to be the biggest dumbfucks on earth. Sometimes I think I hate them more than cops... sometimes. They're all butt hurt because they aren't cops so they act like assholes. The worst part is, they don't even know what they're talking about! I had a run in with one last night...

I went to a local hill/park to watch a meteor shower with a good friend. We were sitting on a bench minding our own business when out of nowhere a huge light shines on us. After my initial confusion, I noticed it was coming from a cop... I mean... SECURITY GUARD car. Pffffff. So naturally, we just sit there and keep talking. The security guard, some scrawny little piece of shit, resembling a nerdier Barney Fife, walks over to us and says, "THANK YOU FOR IGNORING ME! THE PARK IS CLOSED!"

Now... since WHEN does shining a light from your car mean "Come over here!" From my experience, when a cop shines his light on you, he is looking for alcohol, drugs, weapons, etc... The LAST thing he wants you to do is WALK over to his car. How do I know more about this shit than a security guard? You know how? Because security guards are FUCKING RETARDS.

END.

OMG

2009-11-15T10:24:00.000-08:00

Jesus loves her.

Sucks...

2009-11-10T01:35:00.000-08:00

Oh Glenn Beck

2009-10-30T07:45:00.001-07:00

Glenn Beck is against net neutrality because he believes the internet was invented in the private sector and therefore should be molded by whatever stupid ass scheme corporations come up with to bilk every dollar out of consumers.

Glenn Beck is an idiot. The internet started off in the military. Not that that makes it any freer, it's just that it sure as hell didn't start off in the private sector for private applications. Quite the opposite.

I love to hate Glenn Beck.

Olive Garden

2009-10-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

Allow me to tell you about Olive Garden:

It always gives me the shits. Tonight I have to go to Olive Garden for a family dinner but I already have hardcore beer shits. Seriously, they are watery messes that are still hard to push out.

After every beer shit I look down and smile because I've made my private toilet look just like the one at Dodger stadium.

Ouch, that hurts. Dodgers. Jesus Christ. I thought this was our year. Next year Manny will come back with titties and he'll be able to hit (hopefully). Get Manny back on drugs. He's got one more season left in him. Let the poor old man prop himself up for as long as Barry Bonds was able to prop himself up. It's just too damn bad that after steroids you're going to need some cialis to prop your Louisville Slugger up. BA CHANG.

Why do I have beer shits today? Last night I drank many a brew at this small bar across the street from the race track. We were the only douche bags in there and we were even allowed to stay long after it closed. What a delightful time for unhappy people!

The 99cent home pregnancy test

2009-10-18T00:52:00.000-07:00

When someone learns they've impregnated their ride to work every morning they like to talk about it to everyone.

Co-workers to customers.

It creates for a very awkward situation to assume that every woman with snot nosed, pea-brained kids wants to hear how you bought a home pregnancy test from the 99 cent store a week after you conceived to just "see" if well you know that one time you had sex without a dong-hat really did the trick.

The guy goes on and says, "So that was the unofficial result. This morning, my girlfriend called me to tell me at work that her piss turned the plastic thing a certain color so this is my second time hearing the good news as if it was the first time."

But really, why buy a 99cent store if you know you wont trust the results and just spend the $8.01 you saved by buying one of the good ones? Why not save the 99cents by saving it for your kid's first 4-piece chicken McNugget fund?

The fat asshole with a mustache

2009-10-14T00:00:00.001-07:00

Having a mustache is pretty fucking cool.

When you drink beer, the liquid harbors itself to your hair and you can suck it up later. Or some hot bitch can suck it off for you. More likely the former.

When you sneeze, the boogers crust it all up and you can pretend that you don't know it's there. But it's there and you know it. Just look at all the polite people sitting on their hands and staring not saying a damn thing because they're afraid of what the booger 'stacheman might do.

Even considering all this damn awesomeness, the 'stache has its downsides (and I'm not talking the awesome fangs that hug the corners of my mouth).

The mustache is an instant identifier.

For instance, at work I used to take comfort in the fact that I could be a complete asshole to customers knowing that I'm just a generic looking fat white asshole. Sure, they could identify me by my name badge but there are a bunch of Vladmirs where I work and they're all generic looking, fat, white assholes.

Today some old geriatric granny cane walker got all pissed off at me for some stupid reason (I don't know, I wasn't listening to her) and she went to tell a manager how unhelpful I was. I completely forgot that I was no longer in stealth. The 'stache is in full bloom and glorious as it is, I'm now known as "mustache" at work. Alls some old haggard non-working vagina has to do is say, "The fat asshole with a mustache kept sneezing on me even after I asked him to stop." Instantly the boss knows who they're talking about.

Luckily, I just don't give a shit. And why should I?

I'm the one with a motherfucking mustache.

Olympics

2009-10-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

The right wing is all in a masturbatory chorus right now because Chicago didn't get the Olympics. Somehow this casts doubt on the Obama presidency.

I'm sure that in the history books this will not even be mentioned. He asked kindly for Chicago to get it. Chicago did not. Now he's guna go kill some terrorists, thank you very much.

Scooter walkers

2009-10-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

I am job-ed. I am Bless-ed.

But I can't help but complain to you, my friends. My five loyal readers. My sleep is rhythm-ed to the echoes ringing god-damned cash machines. I say a total of two sentences a gazillion times a day. "Hi, how are you?" & "Have a nice day." But that's not what I'm here to talk about to you today. I'm here to talk about:

Fat people. I love them to death because I am one of them. But is it necessary to buy 2 24-packs of Diet Pepsi along with 2 king sized packs of M&Ms, a gallon of mayonnaise, and a tub of ice cream? You're not fooling anyone but your god-damned self.

"I've lost weight!" you say, "I'm just treating myself!" you say.

HA!

A treat would be a single scoop of ice cream from the local Baskin Robbins. Not the entire tub from which the scoops are scooped, you fuck!

I'm sorry, sir, we no longer sell Hydroxycut because it was proven to kill fat asses faster than a heart attack but we do have another NEWER supplement that will kill off about 500 of you before the slow moving fat arm of Science discovers you were killed popping fat pills just before slurping on your large Diet Coke and large French Fries.

Fats, excuse me. I'm fat too. I'm allowed to talk shit on our kind. Let's just stop kidding ourselves. Can't we just resign to the fact that cholesterol tastes like heroin to us and we'll be god damned if you pull that syringe away from me. I'll stab you with it and it'll give you AIDs. In the immortal words of Ol' Dirty Bastard, "I'm not saying that I got it, but [fatty] if I got it then you got it!"

What I'm trying to say here is fat people amuse me. At the buffets I look at people rolling in on motorized scooters with two trays that each have two plates atop them. Just because it's Souplantation doesn't mean that you're going to magically lose weight with unlimited refills of Barq's root beer. Just because it's Souplantation doesn't mean you're going to lose weight inhaling trays of garlic bread. Just because it's Souplantation doesn't mean you should pour the Ranch dressing on as if it were King Kong's cum. I fell off the point I was trying to make. I can just start all over.

What I'm trying to say here is fat people amuse me. When they roll in on their motorized scooters too fat to not sit on their ballsacks, I think to myself, "God, at least I'm not like them!" But if I keep standing in the same buffet lines as they do, someday I may be.

EDIT: This is a video of a man who, through some miracle of the universe, I based this post on unknowingly.

OMG a post

2009-09-30T00:10:00.000-07:00

You know I used to like the 3 Musketeers candy bar but now they're marketing directly to women. It makes me hate the little kid I used to be for being such a fag and asking my grandpa to buy them for me.

He never did because he probably could see into the future that they'd be marketing it directly to women like that Tab energy drink that's supposed to make your vagina all over stimulated the way shoulder pads used to do for women in the late 80s.

A power walk is a power walk, ladies. Understand it. Ain't no fucking candy bar or energy drink going to turn you into a man. Stick a hot dog where your clitoris stopped growing and learn to walk like a man.

Do whatever it takes to keep your marketing schemes away from my childhood.

My [European] Fourth of July (Update)

2009-09-07T13:25:00.001-07:00

The end

You know what..

2009-08-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start documenting every ridiculous return that I get at my job. I work refunds at Costco, one of the top retailers with the most permissive return policy. Yesterday, this old white man came up to the counter with a 12 pack box of kim-chi noodle soup. As soon as he set it on the counter, I noticed that there was only 1 left out of the 12. Immediately I ask, "What was wrong the item sir?" he replies.. "They weren't very good, it was too spicy." In my head I was thinking, "what a stupid fuckin douchebag, i'm gonna go off on this selfish bastard.".. but I've steadily learned to keep my cool with the retards that come through the refunds door, otherwise i'd probably get fired.

So, I politely informed him of our refund policy in regards to food items telling him that Costco needs at least 1/2 of the product for a full refund, otherwise we can give you a portion of the total depending on how much you bring back, in this case 1/12 of the total price. The price of the kim-chi was $6.49. Unbelievably, the douchefag gets mad at me and resorts to the old rule book trick... "Well, where does it say that on your policy?!.. I don't see it anywhere!.. Show me, where is it??? It says here that refunds are based on member satisfaction, well I wasn't satisfied."

this nigga.

If only I had more freedom in speaking to our members, I would have so much fun at my job. Anyways, I told him that there are 12 bowls in the kim-chi package and he had 6 to determine whether or not he was satisfied. Did he forget how it tasted after the first bowl? So he had to open 10 more?? How the fuck does he think that he's gonna get away with beating the system? Sooooo stupid. If he can get away with that, that means I can buy a 50lb bag of rice and my family can eat for free as long as I bring one grain back and state that the rest of the million other grains were infested by ants. Same thing. With this economy, a handful of people/families will slip up and ruin the Costco return policy for everyone else. I'm sure there are already people who live off of eating and returning at Costco.

Conclusion: I took out my calculator and figured out 1/12 of $6.49 which as about $0.54, gave the man 2 quarters and 4 pennies and told him never to come back. It was actually more like, "thanks, have a great day." But I prevailed, I succeeded in fairness and equality. I'm sure that there will be more evil returns coming my way, but I'm determined to shut em down. There's one thing that I know is right, it's that the customer ain't always right.

Superdick

2009-07-30T16:57:00.003-07:00

2009-07-30T16:57:00.001-07:00

Kids should be in school all the fuckin time

2009-07-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Look, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not in elementary. I'm not in junior high. I'm not in high school. I can be mature about these kinds of issues. American kids are stupid because the education system is failing them. It's not the kids' fault. It's our faults.

I think American kids should be in school for longer hours for more days in the year. Our main competitor for the world stage is China. I'm not a xenophobic cock slam like lots of Americans but I do want the US to at least be competitive in terms of GLOBAL DOMINATION (and SPACE DOMINATION). Kids are the future (at least that's what terrible songs say) and if that's an indicator of where things are going, Chinamen are going to be fucking on the moon a lot more successfully than Americans.

Let's get our shit together. Let's focus on math in science. Let's force our kids to go to school for longer days and for more days out of the year. I want to fuck on the moon.

Porno

2009-07-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

I challenge anyone to a two month recess from porn.

Someone set the homepage to xnxx.com. I cant believe how much i miss porn.

vsbx.net

Hmmm.

2009-07-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

Child molester dancing to a song performed by another child molester. Awesome. RIP.

European bitches

2009-07-06T13:55:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Slovakia, bitches.

Let me just say to you that European bitches are amazing. No matter how fucked up their faces are, or how shitty their language is compared to English, they have legs for days.

Never have i realized how much fat ass american bitches need to get off their ass and move... move somewhere... Mexicans move back to mexico and anything other than white bitches, please move as well.

Secondly, ethnicites of European women are so condensed. It is lovely. Each country has a distinct taste of women. Walking down the street i dont have to worry about the random ugly fat mexican that i might happen upon that might ruin my boner that i have mustered from the few hot bitches i have seen. Dont fret though Americans, I have been letting my American flag staff fly all day (sadly only americans recognize it). God bless aMerica.

Please wait for a picture of my 4th of july celebration here in europe.

Independence

2009-07-04T01:25:00.001-07:00

What was widely viewed across the pond as a bunch of tea bagging faggots quickly turned to a full blown revolution.

Dumb asses today tea bag to make some kind of point about something.

When the colonies revolted, they were led by thinkers like Thomas Paine and Thomas Jefferson.

Today, tea baggers are led by Glenn Beck.

Ah, God bless America. Give a man a microphone and he automatically thinks his mouth is his brain. Thank you, America. Thank you, George Washington for all you risked to give us the 24 hour news cycle. Happy birthday, America.