The Bushman and Kim Jong-Il

North Korea is testing us. The reason they are testing us is because we are so mired in Iraq, they want to see how far they can push us before meaningless UN resolutions turn into real action.

Bushman screwed the US by going after a country who had no WMDs, who posed no credible threat to the US and blah blah blah that's old news. The problem is we no longer have the resources to attack credible threats.

Kim Jong-Il is a decrepit old man and we need to tear his ass a new one. What we did in Iraq is what we should do in North Korea. Destroy the leadership. How do we do that now? No fucking idea.

You tell me.

The joy of modern life

Sometimes I think that the world is too computerized and bullshitty with our yearly American Idol contests, our Twitters, blogs, Facebooks, and manufactured NBA playoff narratives (Lebron vs. Kobe ... NO CONTEST. KOBE.)

Occasionally, though, I love the modern world. Today you can be a peeping tom without ever even leaving your armchair. Armchair voyeurism. Armchair snooping. Real life soap operas. It makes my boner itch just thinking about it!

I'm friends with two people who are dating on facebook. They have their twitters linked up to their facebook or whatever (don't know shit about what it all is and I feel like a total fag either twitter or facebook let alone both in the same sentence.) Turns out there is trouble in paradise.

This morning opened with the female saying something to the extent of, "I got a lot off my breasts this morning. I don't know what to do with myself! =("

Oh yeah, I curled up with my cup of coffee just waiting to see the response of the male.

10 minutes later he facebooks his status: "Who's it gonna be... him or me?! What's he have that I don't!?"

This is like the good episode of Full House when DJ has to choose between the burnout guitar player and the young and nerdy entrepreneur.

These two do this all the time and unfortunately this story probably will end like the rest of them. The guy will put his dick between his legs, admit he was 100% wrong in everything and commit the ultimate act of apologizing and proving his love to his two timin' bitch. His status update will read: "I love [first name][middle name][last name][then his last name as a little joke to imply that they were meant for each other and will eventually get married because they can resolve problems!]"

She will get his status update while the other man is boning her in the ass on his armchair browsing through people's facebooks.

Why the Chinese will inherit the world

This.

They have a culture based around non-bullshit. Americans, take notes.

Where bad commercials happen

Maybe when I was young I didn't notice how much was being advertised to me but the NBA playoffs this year are ridiculous.

If I have to hear Tyler Perry say "Very Funny" one more time I swear I'm going to go crazy. If I have to see another Jada Pinkett-Smith commercial for what looks like the worst drama concept in the history of bad drama I will forever hate nurses. If I have to see Zack Morris with long, gay hair in a bad court room drama I'm going to commit some crimes.

What the hell is up with those moving graphics that take up one quarter of screen randomly during games? Why do announcers have to force "Don't forget to see the season premiere of some crappy TNT drama this JULY?" into their commentary. Their commentary is bad enough.

If you're watching the playoffs in standard definition, how annoying is it to see the game screen shrink to the size of an jpeg thumbnail while they go over some T-Mobile fave 5 plays of the game bullshit? It's annoying in HD; it's got to be infuriating in SD.

That being said, GO LAKERS! Fuck you, celtics! (celtics --> no caps because I have no respect for them. keep crying, pierce. doc rivers looked like he was swallowing a frog at the end of the game. HA!)

Retail warrior

Retail workers have to deal with a lot of shit. Most people are half-retarded, most people all full ugly and we have to ask permission from our "superiors" to use the restroom.

Today, I had to use the restroom. I asked like a good little worker if I could use it. They let me. It felt like a huge shit rumbling down my tummy and I needed to go bad. So I ran like a good little worker to the bathroom, unzipped my piss pants, and sat down.

What came out? Nothing but a violent fart.

When I got back the supervisor asked "1 or 2?"

I had no answer. So I thought on the fly (I'm fucking good at that shit). I said, "It was nothing but a glorified fart?"

"Glorified fart?"

"You know, when you think you gotta shit but all that comes out is a loud roar and no shit. You still wipe anyways because a fart that violent probably produced a little Hershey squirt. That's a glorified fart, my friend."

Glorified fart. New term. Use it.

Let's make it easy on ourselves

Hey to all you five fucking readers out there:

I pissed all over myself tonight.

Should I wear the same jeans to work tomorrow? You decide!

Pics of the year.

All I can tell you is... Rihanna. [_Ego.]

Marshall Mathers vs. Nick Carey

As many of you may know, Eminem is releasing his 6th studio album called, "Relapse." Recently Em's album was leaked and Nick Cannon got an early listen. In the song, "Bagpipes from Baghdad," Em states that he wants Mariah Carey "back" from Nick Cannon, callin him a punk and a prick. He also mentions that MC is a whore. 

Anyways, here are some excerpts from Nick Cannon's message via his blog:

btw, this is really long. and stupid. oh and stupid... I'm talking a ridic amount of stupidity.

So as I continued to semi enjoy Marshall’s rhyme scheme and flow, I mean let’s be honest dude used to be incredible. He was a witty lyrist with dope delivery and timing. Some even say, one of the best to ever do it. I had nothing but respect for this dude. But all of a sudden I hear my name in the verse! My first reaction was like, “This is his new shit??? Wow, that’s too bad…” Then I felt sorry for him because he must really be stuck in the past. Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn’t let him get to second base from 8 years ago! He even describes his desperate lameness in this bad excuse for storytelling track. That’s some real middle school shit right there! (What type of grown ass man lies about getting with a chick) Only Slim Lamey! LOL! 

Then, without listening to either one of the voices on my shoulders, I analyzed the situation from a logical perspective. Am I going to battle Eminem and try to out rap him? No, that would be stupid. The dude is nice on the mic. Even though nowadays he lacks substance, rapping about when he used to be hot. Like when Al Bundy gloats about his High school football prime.

Then I asked myself should I go find this Bitch and just whoop his little ass? But that might have just been the Creatine and protein shakes talking! LOL. Even though most people don’t know that I’m nice in the ring and have been training in boxing and Martial Arts for years that would just be childish and silly of me to bully this dude. He clearly has been picked on all his life and I would hate to add to his deep-rooted pain. As we all know he has had a hard life and has major insecurity issues and is very confused and unhappy with himself. So a guy like that doesn’t really need another ass whoopin, he needs a hug. We should really pray for his troubled heart.

I’m taking full action on you Eminem. I don’t know why no one has stood up to your bitch ass yet. But I guess it’s going to take a corny, wack rapping, boy toy from Nickelodeon to set you straight. And trust, I am going to be relentless. Even though I got a lot of other obligations and occupations, you are my new full time job “homey”! As a matter of fact I think you going to bring my wack rhymes out of retirement! That’s right haters; you can thank Eminem because I’m going to start rapping again! LOL Just for him! And don’t forget about the jokes! We coming at you hard body!! Non-stop on your Manic-depressive-Insecure-Maclovin-Nazi- Liza Minelli haircut havin-lookin ass!! [Pause] That’s what I do all day Bitch!

So Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself!  Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!!

Gentle Dental

Today, I drove home and I noticed that on brookhurst and lincoln, there is a dental spot called "Gentle Dental." Tell me that isn't the most awesomest name for a dental clinic. 

For the record, I absolutely hate dentists. I hate them... dentists and anyone else associated with them. The past couple times that I've showed up for a dentist appointment in the past year were unpleasant and nightmarish. The personal assistants who strive to be a dentist in the long run are always clueless and stupid, all they know and care about is the minimal tasks they're required of that fall under their work description and nothing else. For example, the assistant takes the x-rays of your teeth and you ask a question such as, "oh, how do my teeth look?" or, "are my wisdom teeth coming out yet?" they answer with, "oh, i'm sorry you'll have to ask the denist when he gets to you in a moment." Wtf. You know how to take the x-rays but you can't read em. I'm sure you learned that shit in dental school dumbnut, now I gotta wait a half an hour sitting all by lonesome just for an answer/opinion. You strive to be a dentist yet you know squat. How bout the financial advisor that the dentist provides for you.. one word, bullshit. They screw you like hinges. "Oh hey there! looks like you need a lot of work done.. blah blah here are your options: 1) I can lie to you and tell you that your teeth are going to fucking rot in hell if you decide not to go through with the operation 2) You can let me squeeze as much money as I can out of you AND your insurance 3) If you don't have the money, you can apply for our low interest credit card with no APR for the first 6 months!!..... Why, oh why would I need a credit card strictly for dental work? Dentists, you are the bullshitter of all bullshit. The three magic words are, "We're almost done." Recently, I got ONE lousy wisdom tooth removed and it took a whole hour and a half for them to chip away at it. Long story short, it was a premature operation to remove one wisdom tooth for the sake of using up the money you are granted each year by your insurance before the money becomes expendable and your term re-ups.

I don't even want to go into detail. I'm tired, buzzed and can't finish.

Anyways, Gentle Dental sounds like a dentist I would go to. I wonder if you live up to your name.

Floss kids.

DISRESPECT

skip to my lou doin mad work on a weak ass celtic.

big ups to d.fish and the lakeshow tonight.. you made us proud tonight.

Let's talk about skin tags

For quite some time I had a skin tag under my armpit. I don't know why it showed up, it just did.

So I did some internet research about safe ways to get rid of them. Previously I just burned the one on my neck and plucked it off. That doesn't seem safe and it definitely wouldn't be safe under my pits.

One way was to cut it off. I can't do that. I love myself too much to cut a piece of me off.

There were a few other ways but I picked the most pansy one. Tying a string around the base of the skin tag and waiting for it to fall off. I forced my ladyfriend to tie the string so I could blame her if I got cancer or had to get my arm amputated.

Days later, it shriveled up and died. As I went to throw it in the trash I though about how similar it looked to a bloody booger. Boy, did I love the salty sweet taste of blood burgers. So I swallowed it.

Now it's in the ocean because I shit it out.