on Vlads post:
I love capitalism....Well it is a love/hate relationship.
"Federal Fair Labor Standards Act"
-Employees younger than twenty may be hired for a somewhat lower "opportunity wage" for ninety calendar days
Sound familiar to anyone? 90 day reviews?
Fuck Costco <3 adderall
EDIT: "computer professionals have a much higher minimum wage"
30 April 2009
29 April 2009
Swine flu and swine
Yo what the hell is up, mutha fuckers?
So this whole swine flu has everyone paranoid and hating Mexico again but please allow me to throw my dos pesos into this opinion arena.
Wash your motherfucking hands after you piss and shit.
When you cough, cough into a napkin and throw that goddamn napkin away.
Why am I saying this? I work serving a bunch of pigs. Maybe some of them will get the swine flu, maybe some of them already have them. I don't want it. Every day I go to work I see people who don't wash their hands. If you spend 10 minutes making a beautiful symphony of farts and caca, you can definitely spend 15 seconds washing your hands. I can't even begin to count the times I've seen shit on the floor and ON (read that ON, not IN) the toilet. People are disgusting. At least wash your hands.
Some older lady borrowed my pen to write her check. Before doing anything she coughed onto my pen. I'm an asshole and I open my mouth when this kind of shit happens so I said, "You can keep then pen when you're done." She got in a geriatric huff and was offended that I wouldn't want her ancient germs. After writing her check she slammed the pen back on the check stand as if to say, "You'll come to your senses and want your pen back." Before she left I made it a point to get a bunch of paper towels to pick up the pen and threw it away in front of her. No, I will not come to my senses.
My point is... I need a new job.
So this whole swine flu has everyone paranoid and hating Mexico again but please allow me to throw my dos pesos into this opinion arena.
Wash your motherfucking hands after you piss and shit.
When you cough, cough into a napkin and throw that goddamn napkin away.
Why am I saying this? I work serving a bunch of pigs. Maybe some of them will get the swine flu, maybe some of them already have them. I don't want it. Every day I go to work I see people who don't wash their hands. If you spend 10 minutes making a beautiful symphony of farts and caca, you can definitely spend 15 seconds washing your hands. I can't even begin to count the times I've seen shit on the floor and ON (read that ON, not IN) the toilet. People are disgusting. At least wash your hands.
Some older lady borrowed my pen to write her check. Before doing anything she coughed onto my pen. I'm an asshole and I open my mouth when this kind of shit happens so I said, "You can keep then pen when you're done." She got in a geriatric huff and was offended that I wouldn't want her ancient germs. After writing her check she slammed the pen back on the check stand as if to say, "You'll come to your senses and want your pen back." Before she left I made it a point to get a bunch of paper towels to pick up the pen and threw it away in front of her. No, I will not come to my senses.
My point is... I need a new job.
27 April 2009
24 April 2009
while studying...
Ive noticed your neck will hurt depending on your writing hand.
Pay attention to your angles!
<3 adderal
Pay attention to your angles!
<3 adderal
23 April 2009
22 April 2009
I wonder what
I wonder what conservatives would say if liberals started arming themselves to the teeth?
21 April 2009
"The pain stops. You don't."
So, this past weekend I went on a trip to vegas. The weather was remarkably beautiful and so was life. I come back to Cali around 1 a.m. and I find that it is unbelievably hot & humid inside my house. At first I thought, did I get accustomed to an air conditioned living space? or was it just that fucking hot? Then I remembered, 2 weeks ago coming home from my last vegas trip, life was back to normal and shitty again but the weather was fair. Sunday night, I got home at 1 in the morning and I couldn't bare the heat. Don't get me wrong here, I love the hot weather but this shit was too fucking sudden.
From about 3 a.m. Monday morning to 9:30 am Tuesday morning, I've had the meanest and most unpleasant headache in the history of headaches.
FUCK NATURE THIS WEEK. FUCK ADVIL. FUCK TYLENOL & FUCK ANY OTHER BRAND OF ASPIRIN.
EXCEDRIN IS THE WAY OF THE WORLD. this shit works fucking miracles.
Sunday night: I take 2 Tylenols before I go to sleep - I wake up and the headache gets worse.
Monday morning: I take 2 more tylenols every 4 hours - The motherfucker is STILL there.
Monday night: I decide to switch shit up and take 2 Advils - The headache is there with the addition of a sore throat, I end up calling in sick.
Tuesday Morning: I decide to take a drive to everyone's favorite store, Walgreens. I buy a big bottle of Excedrin Extra Strength and 2 cans of Arizona Green Tea for .99 cents each and guess what happened. - The headache was gone.
Tylenol & Advil, I seriously mean this, fuck you. I took about 12 of you motherfuckers and you did zilch. I walk out of Walgreens, open up my bottle of Excedrin, took 2 of them sumbitches and by the time I drove up to the first stop light I felt alive again. I felt like I was being driven in a horse carriage through the gates of heaven while Jessica Biel gave me a handjob riding shotgun... - Cruisin'.
I didn't even need to call out. But whatever.
Thank you, Excedrin. Thank you for all your hard work.
Facebook Ftuesday
I had to post this:
Picture and name changed to protect those with horrible sources of self-affirmation.
Picture and name changed to protect those with horrible sources of self-affirmation.
20 April 2009
17 April 2009
movie starts adopting kids?
Dont let them lie to you. they really dont give a shit about the cause they are trying to help.... What they are really trying to do is get TAX CREDITS!! Dollar for dollar credits to tax... and up to $11,650 in expenses for each year. Any unused amounts are then put in a reserve that can be used EACH year for 5 years.
For the non-accounting (NORMAL) people, this means that as you are doing your taxes and you see a number that says "Tax Owed" you get to deduct EACH dollar spent against that.
Lets see here... how much does it cost to fly to Bogadesh and stay to meet this lovely little dark baby that I want to call my own?
You do the math.
I hate accounting and the CPA, but i do love riddalin!
For the non-accounting (NORMAL) people, this means that as you are doing your taxes and you see a number that says "Tax Owed" you get to deduct EACH dollar spent against that.
Lets see here... how much does it cost to fly to Bogadesh and stay to meet this lovely little dark baby that I want to call my own?
You do the math.
I hate accounting and the CPA, but i do love riddalin!
14 April 2009
Not Shroomin'
Remember requesting this song at Skate Depot in 4th grade? Ok, maybe that was just me. Skating my little heart out, all hopped up on candy and stoked on TLC. Those were the days. Little did I know it was about HIV and drugs. Maybe if I'd known I would have been cooler. Bahhhh... doubt it.
Teabaggers
The Teabagger movement is the most politically retarded group of cretins I have ever seen in my entire lifetime (and don't forget I went to many anti-Iraq war protests where I saw every type of cretin from Ron Paul supporters to 9-11 truthers.)
Remember when we thought Bill O'Reilly and Keith Olberman were bad? Glenn Beck took notes from Stephen Colbert and decided to go full fledged crazy motherfucker. He's going to put Colbert out of a job. One segment on his show had Thomas Paine:
What a pussy, you are Glenn Beck. Don't shove words down a historical figure's throat. You have something to say, say it yourself. Not only is it hilariously bad, I seriously don't think Thomas Paine would ask Americans to "honk three times at high noon."
HONK? At noon on April 15? These crazies should take a look at Obama's poll numbers. The Thomas Paine actor was saying some shit in Hawaiian; check his birth certificate. He is a blow-hardy self important cunt like Glenn Beck. Go cry on camera again you pussy.
"That's why I named it the 9-12 project!" Oh, you're so smart, you retarded little Aryan.
The teabag movement has become a national laughing stock every where but on Fox News. I propose honking 4 times at a minute past noon if a) you think teabagging is as gay as it sounds b) you want to beat the silence that was noon.
I seriously doubt I will hear any honking tomorrow.
Remember when we thought Bill O'Reilly and Keith Olberman were bad? Glenn Beck took notes from Stephen Colbert and decided to go full fledged crazy motherfucker. He's going to put Colbert out of a job. One segment on his show had Thomas Paine:
What a pussy, you are Glenn Beck. Don't shove words down a historical figure's throat. You have something to say, say it yourself. Not only is it hilariously bad, I seriously don't think Thomas Paine would ask Americans to "honk three times at high noon."
HONK? At noon on April 15? These crazies should take a look at Obama's poll numbers. The Thomas Paine actor was saying some shit in Hawaiian; check his birth certificate. He is a blow-hardy self important cunt like Glenn Beck. Go cry on camera again you pussy.
"That's why I named it the 9-12 project!" Oh, you're so smart, you retarded little Aryan.
The teabag movement has become a national laughing stock every where but on Fox News. I propose honking 4 times at a minute past noon if a) you think teabagging is as gay as it sounds b) you want to beat the silence that was noon.
I seriously doubt I will hear any honking tomorrow.
12 April 2009
Why America fucks shit up for real
Three Somali Pirates have no head and they are floating somewhere in the ocean.
America needed this. When that container ship got hijacked by pirates and was ransomed awhile back Europe caved in and negotiated a ransom. In fairness, hundreds of millions of dollars weren't at stake but FUCK YOU if you were going to point that out in an attempt to demean my cartoonish patriotism.
Now, I do have major concerns about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and the growing annoyances that are Iran and North Korea. But at least we got this one tiny victory to feel cocky about. Maybe Obama can pull a Thomas Jefferson and fuck up a whole buncha pirates. We'll see.
America needed this. When that container ship got hijacked by pirates and was ransomed awhile back Europe caved in and negotiated a ransom. In fairness, hundreds of millions of dollars weren't at stake but FUCK YOU if you were going to point that out in an attempt to demean my cartoonish patriotism.
Now, I do have major concerns about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and the growing annoyances that are Iran and North Korea. But at least we got this one tiny victory to feel cocky about. Maybe Obama can pull a Thomas Jefferson and fuck up a whole buncha pirates. We'll see.
11 April 2009
08 April 2009
He's Baaaaaaackk.
Ladies & Gentlemen,
Andrew Bynum is back to smash on the Nuggets tomorrow. Now, we all know that Bynum has been injured twice in his NBA career. Coincidentally, both injuries occurred while playing against the Memphis Grizzlies. In 4 days, Bynum and the Lakers will be facing the Memphis Grizzlies one last time before the playoffs begin.
IF THIS MOTHERFUCKER GETS INJURED ONE MORE FUCKIN TIME. I SWEAR. that's all i'm gonna say.
who would you like to see in the finals?
Lakers vs. Boston II where Lakers buttfuck em in a 4 game sweep
or
Kobe vs. Lebron in a 7 game showdown to prove who the MVP should really be.
02 April 2009
bleedin's aversion to drinking
Bleedin' punani is a stand up guy. He just turned the big deuce-deuce the other day and we all went to BJs to celebrate.
BJs is expensive as shit. I usually wouldn't go there but it was a friend's birthday; the world does not revolve around my tastes or pocket book. I prefer trashier and cheaper.
Being his birthday I bought Bleedin' a White Russian so he could finally have a taste of what it was like to be Dude-like. One of Bleedin's female friends that I did not know said, "Isn't that more like a dessert? Shouldn't that be like his last drink?"
I answered, "You obviously do not know Bleedin's drinking ability. This will be his last drink."
Lo and behold, he took one sip and that threw him over the edge. The manager of BJs (quite the BJ himself) came to the table and put a hold until he got himself together. What he really meant was "Get the fuck out of my restaurant before you blow chunks all over my mouth breathing customers."
Bleedin' went outside and threw up and I was out there to coach him. His manager (Yes, this guy invites his employers to his parties so he can never talk crap on his job like other proud working men) comes out with a glass of water for him.
Up until this point, the story is true.
I grabbed the glass of water and threw it at the manager's face. "Fuck you, you piece of shit! This man has to finish his White Russian."
Bleedin's employer proceeded to fire me (also my employer). I didn't care because this part of the story didn't happen so I said, "Go stuff your god damned position of authority up your ass! You're not the President so fuck off!"
At this point Jesus came from the Heavens and begged our employer to forgive me. He said, "Forgive them, Manager, for they know not what they do."
The manager said, "Who the fuck are you? I'm Jewish!"
Jesus said, "Oh... shit," and disappeared into a green cloud back into his spaceship to travel the universe happily. His spaceship was modified because he can't grip a steering wheel because his wounds do not heal and they were meant that way because of the symbolic value they hold for believers across the world.
Long story short, Bleedin' ain't the Dude but at least he tried.
BJs is expensive as shit. I usually wouldn't go there but it was a friend's birthday; the world does not revolve around my tastes or pocket book. I prefer trashier and cheaper.
Being his birthday I bought Bleedin' a White Russian so he could finally have a taste of what it was like to be Dude-like. One of Bleedin's female friends that I did not know said, "Isn't that more like a dessert? Shouldn't that be like his last drink?"
I answered, "You obviously do not know Bleedin's drinking ability. This will be his last drink."
Lo and behold, he took one sip and that threw him over the edge. The manager of BJs (quite the BJ himself) came to the table and put a hold until he got himself together. What he really meant was "Get the fuck out of my restaurant before you blow chunks all over my mouth breathing customers."
Bleedin' went outside and threw up and I was out there to coach him. His manager (Yes, this guy invites his employers to his parties so he can never talk crap on his job like other proud working men) comes out with a glass of water for him.
Up until this point, the story is true.
I grabbed the glass of water and threw it at the manager's face. "Fuck you, you piece of shit! This man has to finish his White Russian."
Bleedin's employer proceeded to fire me (also my employer). I didn't care because this part of the story didn't happen so I said, "Go stuff your god damned position of authority up your ass! You're not the President so fuck off!"
At this point Jesus came from the Heavens and begged our employer to forgive me. He said, "Forgive them, Manager, for they know not what they do."
The manager said, "Who the fuck are you? I'm Jewish!"
Jesus said, "Oh... shit," and disappeared into a green cloud back into his spaceship to travel the universe happily. His spaceship was modified because he can't grip a steering wheel because his wounds do not heal and they were meant that way because of the symbolic value they hold for believers across the world.
Long story short, Bleedin' ain't the Dude but at least he tried.
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