Unemployed Job Search

I was searching for a job that had some correlation to music. I used the government site Caljobs, and this is the only listing I found.



Job Number: CA10036577
Job Title: MEDIA & MUSIC OPPORTUNITIES
City of Job: Orange
Experience Required: None
Start Date:
Rate of Pay: Not stated
Duration: Long Term
Hours Per Week: 40plus
Shift:
Education Required: High School/GED
California Drivers
License:
Federal Government
Contract: Yes
Job Duties:
Media & Music Opportunities There is no limit to the opportunities in the Army—so there’s no limit to what you can learn and achieve. From working with computers to assisting physicians to fixing helicopters, there’s an Army job right for you. In the Army, you can take advantage of a long list of job- and leadership-training opportunities giving you the skills to succeed in the Army—and in life. Art / Media / Music Art, Media & Music positions cover the administration, communication and supervision of Army public affairs for both military and civilian audiences. Opportunities are available in areas such as: • Broadcasting • Graphic design • Journalism • Music performance The training and skills you receive in the Army can prepare you for a civilian career in film production, advertising, or professional music to name a few. You are also able to earn certifications and licensures for civilian jobs. The training and salary you get are only some of the ways the Army strengthens you for tomorrow. The Army also offers: • Comprehensive health care (medical and dental) • Generous vacation time (30 days annually) • Retirement Savings Plan • Family services and support groups • Special pay for special duties • Cash allowances to cover the cost of living You may also be eligible for: • Enlistment bonuses totaling up to $40,000 • Up to $71,424 for college • Up to $65,000 to repay qualifying student loans • Up to $4,500 a year tuition assistance while serving Requirements for Arts, Media and Music Opportunities: • U.S. citizen or permanent resident alien • 17–41 years old • Healthy and in good physical condition • In good moral standing • High School or equivalent education • Enlistment in the U.S. Army

Bitch slapped

I love everything about L.A... EXCEPT

Beverly Hills and all the rich fucks who inhabit it.

Shut the fuck up you blonde little bitchface rich plastic piece of shit in your porsche suv. Don't you DARE fucking honk at me when YOU were the one turning against the light without stopping.

I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

Too good...

winner winner chicken dinner

Having been stricken Erectile Dysfunction as of late, I have decided to experiment into naturals ways to cure myself. After much research, I have found that a common household spider is capable of alleviating such symptoms. Introducing to you, my friend, the Brazilian Walking Spider.


As you can see, this spider also has problems when it comes to erections as well. Unlike my pathetic limb, this fucker has four that won't go down!! Way to rub it in my face asshole.

An excerpt for you:

"Oddly, the Brazilian spider delivers more than a painful bite that sends most victims to the hospital. Researchers have found it's venom also stimulates an hours-long erection in men.

Patients not only experience overall pain and an increase in blood pressure, they also get an uncomfortable erection."

I know, shameful, right? I have resorted to such techniques, dealing with the pain of the bite, in order to just masturbate to my favorite anime porn (hentai). Sigh. I walk a hard path in life.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,509876,00.html

St. Paddy's Day @ AM/PM

Notes before reading* 

My D.O.B. is 03/26/87

Last night, I decided to go to a friend's house to kick back and celebrate st. patricks right after I got off of work. So, after work I called my buddy brandon and he gave me directions, he also reminded me that it wasn't gonna be a big thing and it was byob.

Usually, when i hear a party is byob... i still don't bring my own shit and i'll bum off of you. But i decided to get my own this time. On the way there, I stopped by the am/pm located on the corner of Moody and Lincoln. I parked, walked in, searched for the liquor section and proceeded straight to the coolers.

the SECOND that I laid a finger on the fuckin door to get a 12 pack, i hear "ahem." 

So I turn around and I find a bald, short and stubby indian man standing in my fucking face, the top of his head was actually around my mid-chest, but the little fucker stood maybe a foot apart from me with his eyes gazing at my youthfullness. 

He places his hand in front me and says, "ID PLEASE." I give my i.d., grabbed my beer and we walk over to the counter. He walks into his little fucking corner and grabs a fucking calculator. a fucking calculator.

#1. the ID says in RED: Age 21 in 2008

#2. it is 200fucking9

#3. if you need to use an actual calculator to calculate a persons age, you need to drop the calculator and kill yourself. really.

So after he spends 2 whole minutes on the calculator, he walks up to me and puts the id next to my face for some serious comparison. He then asks, "So, you are 22?" In my head, I really wanted to tell him how much of a fucking idiot he was and say that I was 21, but I calmly said, "no, i turn 22 next week."

finally, he rings me up. I slide my card once. I slide my card twice. I slide my card three times. He presses a button and simply tells me, "Declined."

#1. I have money. but i expect that he doesn't know that.

#2. the machine never asked me for my fucking pin number.

#3. fuck this motherfucker.

As soon as he says "Declined," the motherfucker starts walking my beer back to the fridge and at this is the point, I start to get frustrated. I say, "hey, what the fuck? it didn't even ask me for my pin how the fuck can it be declined?" he simply says, "sorry, declined." Luckily, I had a 20 in my pocket so I took it out and told him i'll pay cash. He paused and I could still remember the look on his face. It was just a mere second that you saw it in his face but i knew that in his mind, at that moment, he said.. "fuck." It was a sense of defeat. I had beaten the little motherfucker. 

til next time smirf.

An Anecdote

I don't remember who I've already told this to because I have no memory but I like it and I felt like sharing:

So, the other day before work I stopped at Starbucks. Definitely not my first choice for coffee but I had a gift card and I'm broke. So I got out of my car, walked to the meter, and attempted to put a quarter in. It kept sticking. Finally, after a good four or five attempts, I looked up to read the meter. You might expect it to say: OUT OF ORDER. No, it simply read: FAIL.

It's Coming...

celtics better back the fuck up before they get smacked the fuck up

this is how we do it on our side, 

any of you niggas from boston that wanna bring, bring it.

but we ain't singin, we bringin drama

fuck you and yo mothafuckin mama

we gon' kill all yall motherfuckers

at first it was all about pierce and the sorry ass celtics

then them motherfuckers had to add allen & garnett.

well.. this is how we're gonna do this:

fuck paul pierce, fuck rondo..

fuck celtics as a basketball team and as a motherfucking crew

and if you wanna be down with boston, then fuck you too.

kevin garnett, fuck you too.

all you motherfuckers fuck you too.

all yall motherfuckers fuck you die slow

nigga gasol make sure all your kids don't grow.

you motherfuckers can't be us or see us.

we motherfuckin thug life riders WEST SIDE til' we die.

out here in California nigga we warned ya

we'll bomb on you motherfuckers.

we do our job.

you think you 1st place, nigga we're motherfuckin 1st place.

ain't nothin but ballas.

and the real niggas all you motherfuckers feel us.

our shit goes 53-13 (so far) bitches.

ya'll niggas can't feel it. we the realest.

fuck em. we boston killas.

Resident Evil 5 Release Update

Alright folks! As promised here are the pictures of the Resident Evil 5 midnight release "party." hahaha

This is the employee with the Raccoon PD uniform. He's also gathering people for the trivia game. 



The line of nerds awaiting the release of their precious game.



More nerds and waiting.



Now I leave you with this. Don't let Samara get you while you're asleep.

Introducing the new douchebag

I have to introduce bleedin' punani the only way I know how.

By exposing him for what a pain in the ass he is. Seriously, I was stumped on how I was going to introduce him but it came to me as soon as I got back from Utah and got a text message about how he forgot his password.

He forgot his password. What am I going to do about it? I made a temporary one that was totally derogatory that I expected you to change as soon as you logged in. Apparently I assumed wrong. You preferred to keep the password that I thought was the opposite of your sexuality; typing in every day how much you loved to suck on sausages.

But you forgot that, bleedin'. You forgot it.

God only knows what kind of fucked up combinations you tried before you text messaged me.

Bleedin' is a man who likes his Jack and Coke more Coke than Jack.

Bleedin' is a man who is going to post about the guy who threw the shoe at Bush in Iraq. Newsflash Bleedin': Obama's the President now. Shoe thrower is old news. Hopefully he posts before reading this.

Anyways, welcome him.

Co-ed Men's bathroom

so this is a work in progress, but I was thinking... while at the gym today I walked in and to my surprise (not really) there was some old asian man walking about butt ass fucking naked like he ruled the place.

Side note:Its amazing how older people (asians in particular) have no decency for others around them.

Continuing on... for some reason I thought, what if that was a gay guy parading his bits around the parlor like that? what if it wasn't that he was just extremely comfortable in his environment of sweaty manly men and that he was actually doing it to try and pick up a suitor? wouldn't that be indecent exposure?

I mean if i slipped my cubes to a lady in the lockeroom that would most likely be an offense, wouldn't i? but just because I am a guy i would never have that chance. On the other hand, gay guys get to prance around the candy shop making other men feel weird and, more often than not, threatened to commit a gay hate crime.

Furthermore, I do have evidence to support my claim. I have a friend with whom i share two mutual friends. One gay and the other is the boyfriend of my friend. Gay friend tells my friend, "i saw your boyfriend at the gym, i think his butt is cute."

END OF STORY.

I am asking the citizens of Orange County, Texas, and other religious institutions to unite and find a solution!!!


Disclaimer: this entire story is fictitious up until the third paragraph, in which from there on i believe is a truly legitimate cause for public outcry.

Disclaimer disclaimer: i have no problems with homosexuals, they are actually nice and very supportive.

Margareane Buttersworth here....

As usual, it's been a while since I've posted. However, I come with great news. At least I hope it's great news to you nerds. 

Today I was at the midnight release for Resident Evil 5. There weren't too many people in the store yet so I decided to get me some coffee. I couldn't stall for any more time and I reluctantly went inside the store. There were a few GEEKS there talking about their games and crap and how they will never get laid. Hahaha =) 

Anyway, one of the workers was dressed up in the Raccoon Police Department uniform and about 2 people were "zombified." (I'm glad I didn't dress up or I would have felt super LAME) 

So, I browsed the store for a while until the workers made us line up outside. Surprisingly, the RPD worker came out and started a Resident Evil trivia game. (The prize was a strategy guide) Whoever wanted in had to rock, paper, scissor each other. (Didn't work out too well...people were confused as to who won) Then the last two people had to answer some RE questions. The first question was "Name all the platforms Resident Evil was on." (Out of the crowd, some girl was explaining that RE didn't come out on the DS, but the DS had no choice in accepting RE...I don't know for sure what she was talking about. It all sounded like "Nar, nar, nar, nar DS, nar, nar, nar, RE, nar, DS, nar") The next question was "Out of these names, which was not a character in RE4?" 

To make it short, some asian guy won and seemed mellow about his victory. His friend, however, was super excited that he'd won. 

I'll update this post with pictures when I upload them. I'm too lazy right now and I have to start beating some bitches on SF4. Duty calls. [ .. ]

Secession

Chuck Norris officially threw his hat into an election that will never fuckin' happen. President of Texas.

He's also having a meeting of the minds at his ranch in Texas for "like minded cell groups" in the United States. These people want to secede from the Union because they fear Barack Obama. These people are the "patriots" who questioned Obama's patriotism. Now all of the sudden they hate the United States just because their loser candidate lost (got his old white ass kicked).



The above picture is no longer quite accurate. Osama bin Laden will probably be at that Texas meeting.

Who is Chuck Norris aligning himself with? White power militia groups and crazies. Chuck, try to get Texas to secede. Your ass will be laughed off the face of the earth and you'll have to go back to selling Bowflexes or whatever the fuck crappy ass machine you used to endorse. Once the US leaves Texas, who's guna protect you from the Big Bad Messicans? No one but your rag tag group of retarded militiamen. I've also heard that your round house kicks are getting a little rusty with age. I think my great grandma could kick your ass.

P.S. Don't forget Waco. Meeting in Texas with guns and talking about how much you hate America almost never goes well.

What it do, what it do

Good evening ladies and gents,

My name is bleedin' punani. Big ups to vlad for the invite, heres a gift from me to you:

you gotta fuck one, kill one, marry one.. go.

Fox 11 News' IDOL TEAM

I don't watch American Idol. I watch something far worse for your mental health: local news channels.

Fox 11 News has an "Idol Team" (some lady named Yamamoto and some British accented bimbo). Their job is to gab about what happened on American Idol. Why does this need to be news? Do I get recaps for any other show and have it labeled news? It's retarded.

Fox 11 News is pretty bad. I'm not your run of the mill liberal Fox hater either. Fox is home to the shows I watch most consistently. Fox is home of the magical Glenn Beck, the most hilarious news sitcom ever made.

Anyways, I'm going to the closest thing to an Islamic state in the United States: Utah. I'll be gone until Monday. I don't think I'll have anything interesting to say and unlike our friend Garkahar I will probably not touch a computer while I'm there. I'll gladly choose the alcoholic spirits and the snow over the internet. Buttersworth is going to wait in line for Resident Evil 5 for me. Maybe she'll keep you updated on the virgin nerd orgy there. We may be introducing a new contributor because my answer to post droughts is to add a new contributor who'll post non-stop for a month then fall off the face of the earth.

Garkahar is in Mexico chopping heads off and transporting drugs. In his spare time he updates his facebook status.

If Madoff gets away with his crimes

If Bernard Madoff gets away with his crimes with a plea bargain, there truly is no justice. White collar crime is crime. No doubt about it.

Send him to jail for 25-L, loot all of his assets, and leave him and his thieving co-conspirators with NOTHING. That's justice. Send his ass to Guantanamo. Leave it open just for him.



This man fucks children and then eats them. He also steals money and wipes his ass with your future. He lives in a mansion and was sending his jewels bought with stolen money to his family to protect them from the feds. This man is despicable. Any forgiveness, any bargain, anything done to lighten the sentence of this eternal douche bag is a severe crime against every hard working and honest American. Let him die in a maximum security prison with murderers and rapists. You shouldn't be able to buy your way out of jail with swindled money.

Attention all comrades

Buy this motherfuckin' game or my dog's name isn't Stalin!

The shit that would not become unstuck

I sneezed at the exact same time as a bowel movement today. It was painful but it did clear out my cavity.

This was right before a shower so I flushed and took a shower without looking inside of the toilet. After the shower I looked inside the bowl before I sat; sometimes I have to take another shit just for kicks before I leave the bathroom area of the house. Inside the bowl was a mound of shit sticking to the porcelain. That sucker survived a flush.

After my second poop I flushed again. That mound was still there. It survived again. What the hell was that shit made of? I didn't want to scrape it so I figured I'd let it marinate in the toilet water and try again for my mid day shit. I'll update with the results.

March 2nd Porno fest

I wonder how pissed off he is now that the internet caused a porno renaissance. I like how he says "high speed presses." He couldn't have even imagined the speed in which millions every day download porn of dinosaurs humping cavewomen.

My generation is the first generation that didn't need to buy dirty mags and face the embarrassment of getting kicked out of the adult section at mom and pop video shops (we did anyways just to get the same kicks our fathers did). We could get our dandies in the privacy of the family computers. One fond memory of mine is when the house was empty and I was in 7th grade. The internet was brand new and we had just hooked up with a cable modem. WE WERE BALLIN! High speed porn was at my fingertips (if only my fingertips were not wrapped around my lil' beef smoky). Anyways, like any other dumb ass just discovering the underworld my first instinct was playboy.com. What a snorefest. I became more sophisticated eventually but before I sidetrack anymore here's the meat of my story. I was browsing the playboy and heard the door opening. Oh shit, folks is home! Instead of turning off my computer (I had a slow ass iMac) I grabbed the power cord with my foot and kicked it out of the socket.

There I was sitting in front of a blank screen.

End of fond memories.