Scooter walkers

I am job-ed. I am Bless-ed.

But I can't help but complain to you, my friends. My five loyal readers. My sleep is rhythm-ed to the echoes ringing god-damned cash machines. I say a total of two sentences a gazillion times a day. "Hi, how are you?" & "Have a nice day." But that's not what I'm here to talk about to you today. I'm here to talk about:



Fat people. I love them to death because I am one of them. But is it necessary to buy 2 24-packs of Diet Pepsi along with 2 king sized packs of M&Ms, a gallon of mayonnaise, and a tub of ice cream? You're not fooling anyone but your god-damned self.

"I've lost weight!" you say, "I'm just treating myself!" you say.

HA!

A treat would be a single scoop of ice cream from the local Baskin Robbins. Not the entire tub from which the scoops are scooped, you fuck!

I'm sorry, sir, we no longer sell Hydroxycut because it was proven to kill fat asses faster than a heart attack but we do have another NEWER supplement that will kill off about 500 of you before the slow moving fat arm of Science discovers you were killed popping fat pills just before slurping on your large Diet Coke and large French Fries.

Fats, excuse me. I'm fat too. I'm allowed to talk shit on our kind. Let's just stop kidding ourselves. Can't we just resign to the fact that cholesterol tastes like heroin to us and we'll be god damned if you pull that syringe away from me. I'll stab you with it and it'll give you AIDs. In the immortal words of Ol' Dirty Bastard, "I'm not saying that I got it, but [fatty] if I got it then you got it!"

What I'm trying to say here is fat people amuse me. At the buffets I look at people rolling in on motorized scooters with two trays that each have two plates atop them. Just because it's Souplantation doesn't mean that you're going to magically lose weight with unlimited refills of Barq's root beer. Just because it's Souplantation doesn't mean you're going to lose weight inhaling trays of garlic bread. Just because it's Souplantation doesn't mean you should pour the Ranch dressing on as if it were King Kong's cum. I fell off the point I was trying to make. I can just start all over.

What I'm trying to say here is fat people amuse me. When they roll in on their motorized scooters too fat to not sit on their ballsacks, I think to myself, "God, at least I'm not like them!" But if I keep standing in the same buffet lines as they do, someday I may be.

EDIT: This is a video of a man who, through some miracle of the universe, I based this post on unknowingly.