Bad Words

My father is an avid blogger and someone who reads my blog and shakes his head vigorously. I wont link his blog because I'm 99.9% sure he doesn't want anyone to know that I'm his son. Let's just say today he challenged me to write a 250 word blog post about something without saying a single curse.

I agreed. The limit is 250 words. At 251 I'm free.

My uncle asked me to download some radio edit versions of songs for his 8 year old son to put on his new iPod for his birthday. It's pretty hard to find radio edits. The thing that bothers me is what am I protecting him from? Am I protecting him from hearing bad words in a song that is "dirty" anyways? I downloaded "The Seed 2.0" by the Roots and Cody Chestnutt and it blanks out key words but that doesn't change the context that those words were in in the first place? It's about impregnating somebody. And then there are countless "get drunk at a club and have intercourse" songs that I downloaded for him but thank God that it bleeped out the F word or his mind would have rotted instantly.

I'm just saying, who cares? And since George Carlin died this week and he pretty much believed the same way I do about words it's pretty fitting for me to do this post about bad words and how fruitless it is to try and censor them in the first place. They're only bad because somewhere in history someone decided that these words were forbidden fruits. It's too bad that I've surpassed the 250 word limit my dad imposed on me so to all you word Nazis: fuck that shit man.

Yeah, it's late but I don't have internet access so let's dirty up this post a little more with some good ol' George Carlin. Oh and to all you pussies (and little kids) the following video has some harsh language which you will NEVER EVER hear in the real world except for the internet and popular music because bad words don't really exist.

Wet Dream #1

Jack: Hey Jesus! OMG is that really you!?

Jesus: "Jack you dumb piece of irrelevant shit. I thought I told you never to talk to Me again! What are you to dumb to comprehend anything My Awesomeness Holiness has said to you? Your lucky I'm supposed to be 'all loving' on this stupid planet otherwise My Right Hand of God would of pimped slapped your ass back into a retarded stupor like that Gabe kid. Just wait till we get out of this place then run your mouth. I dare you." (Walking away under His breath) "What a JackAss."

Thats A Good Kid

When he gets in trouble he punishes himself

Sneak Out Day

So my absolute FAVORITE video game series came to an end with the release of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. 

To commemorate the monumental importance of its release, I grew a snakestache. Yes, a snakestache. Not a mustache. Mustaches are for pussies and megalomaniacs. When Snake grows a stache it's a snakestache and that's what I chose to grow. Disregard my post on mustaches. I should have called it a snakestache. Whatever. Fuck you.

I know the formatting is fucked up but whatever, I'm not going to bother fixing it. You can see the resemblance is uncanny. Two snakestaches loving the fuck out of each other. Or maybe fucking the love out of each other. (I realize that our site says the word fuck more times than your average amateur porno site now.)

Buttersworth had to get to Gamestop super early because she didn't have a PS3 yet and they only had two Metal Gear PS3 bundles so she had to be the first or second in line. We got there at 5.30pm. Gloriously we were the only ones there until 8.30pm. It sucked but hell, she got the PS3. 

I made sure to make her feel like a total loser level 99 virgin by taking a pic of her being the only one in line.

 

As Asian as she wants to be. 

Luckily I brought my DS and a bunch of games to keep me occupied for the mind fuck that was staring at a tanning salon for 8 hours without getting paid. I even asked to leave work early to what? TO WAIT IN LINE. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I cry (or masturbate).

Back to my DS: I bought the kids' game Drawn to Life solely for the reason that you could draw your own hero. Mine was a walking penis. That's a post all its own. I'll make it into one one of these days. 

So we got the game, yadda yadda yadda, I beat it after a marathon of playing further leveling up my master virgin status to the once unthinkable level 109. I always thought they stopped at 99. I was wrong. I don't even have a dick anymore. 

Mr. Nipple happily took pictures of me in the aftermath of my Metal Gear Marathon. I couldn't look at a screen for like 2 days after I beat it. I was delusional.

Props to CHR for making me that awesome ODB shirt. Sadly, my weight has outgrown it as evidenced in the photograph.

After beating the game, I decided it was probably a decent idea to experiment with the snakestache thus rendering it no longer a snakestache. It first became a molestache (Mr. Nipple coined the term, don't you dare steal it fuckers.)

So let's get all scientific up in this shit. A molestache is when you purposely shave your mustache closer to your lip. I don't know how you pervs do it but you do. This is the kind of 'stache you would see on your common molester or New Jersey-ite, You get extra points if you have a constant five o clock shadow above the molestache. Some fuckers shave it super close. More power to you; you're gay. Go get married, you can now in California. Oh wait, you can't marry a minor yet.


Then I decided to do the Charlie Chaplin molestache. I shaved that shit off almost immediately.

Anyways here's my review for Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots::::::
Awesome.

The Shitty Celtics Devour the Lakers

score: pointless

Game 7: June 19th 2009

2009 title "Kobe Crushes The Big three"

Just So You Know...

I recently started to realize just how much motherfucking news I watch. Every morning for at least an hour before work, every afternoon when I get off work, every night before I go to sleep if I'm not wasted, I WATCH SO MUCH FUCKING NEWS, I can't stop, it's like an addiction. Anyway, since I don't have much else to talk about I thought I would share some good recent shit.

First off... Kanye, every time I hear about you, it is a story about what a big piece of shit you are turning into. I mean, I always knew you were arrogant and I looked past it because I'll admit it, I like your shit, but this is getting RIDICULOUS. What kind of asshole makes his fans wait until 4:30 in the morning before coming on?! 4:30?! Let's please try to keep in mind, contrary to Mr. Nipple's beliefs... that Kanye is NOT God.

Moving on... I never watch golf, ever, because I'm not 75, but this weekend I had no choice, partly because I spent the majority of the weekend at my parent's house, and partly because Tiger Woods is the fucking man and I wanted to.

And of course, the Lakers... who will be winning the title shortly... as far as yesterday's game goes... anyone who said Kobe's steal in the 4th was a foul can suck my dick. Poor Pierce, did Kobe hurt your poor wittle knee when he stole the ball from you? Need another wheelchair? Faggot.

Last one... apparently Amy Winehouse passed out and... "doctors did not know what had caused Winehouse, 24, to faint and tests were being carried out". They don't know what caused it? Here's an idea: could it be all the alcohol? the coke? the shooting up? Dumb fuckers. I still love Amy Winehouse and you know why? Because she isn't a cocky little bitch like Kanye, she's just a damn good singer always lookin for a good time. More power to her. Stay drunk fellow beezies. CHR signing off.

Lakers are just Warming Up!!

Lakers 103 Celtics 98
Next game:
Tuesday 6:00pm

Lakers Baby

Where celtics suck happens

A Look Into the Past and to the Present

I did a little web.archive.org search for our old site tsgx.net and clicked on a random date. I found a gem written in 2004. I'll just post my favorite part of this particularly lame post:

Thanks to getting a fucking license, I know have to carry around my wallet. That goes in my back pocket. I used to wear glasses but because I always sat on my glasses, I now wear contacts. Because I wear contacts I have to carry around eye drops to moisten my contacts whenever they get dry and I also have to carry my contacts container. I also have to carry a set of keys around now. That really pisses me off. Oh yeah, and a God damned cell phone. Everytime I walk around, all my pockets are so full it looks like I'm walking around with three God damned boners. Two bulging from my pockets and one actual boner. That's just too fucking much.

Here's a fucking poem for your asses:

Every modern convenience
that replaces an annoyance
brings about ten whole new annoyances
that I could have lived without

What's funny is that 4 years later I still hate carrying shit in my pockets. Girls have it easy, they carry around purses. I would much rather carry around a bag then constantly think about how my ass is getting numb on only one cheek because I'm sitting on one huge ass wallet. And it's not huge because I have a lot of money. It's huge because for some God forsaken reason I keep all of my receipts. It's kind of like that Seinfeld episode. I can't help but keep fortunes but fortune cookies in my wallet too. What's the point? I have no idea.

I hate carrying keys and now thanks to those flash drives I keep one on my keychain. In my line of work I'll never touch a computer that has a USB drive so I don't know why I feel compelled to carry it around on my key ring but I do.

I used to carry around an actual decorative piece on my key ring. That lasted a whole five seconds.

Cellphones, motherfucking cellphones. I have a cellphone outline in both pairs of jeans I own. Yes I only have two pairs of jeans. Anyone that knows me knows that I have very little clothes and pretty much cycle through the same articles of clothing every few days. Once stuff gets hole-y I replace it. But only after it's super hole-y. I've been known to still wear a Long Beach Dub Allstars t-shirt even though under each armpit is an armpit sized hole. At least I don't get pit stains on that shirt.

Back to cellphones. I have the worst luck with them; every single one I've owned sucks ass. Maybe it's the provider: AT&T but other people I know enjoy their service.

Luckily I have a girlfriend and she is pretty much my purse. Whenever I'm with her I empty out my pockets and put it in her purse. I get angry at her when she doesn't bring a big enough purse. What would I do without her?

Buy a purse.

I will make an update on my disappearance for longer than it should have and also on Metal Gear Solid 4. I beat it and after my bloodshot eyes recover I will sift through the pictures of my Metal Gear overdose and make fun of myself.

Kobe say something inspirational for the Kids

Only watch the first 40 seconds i couldn't find a shorter clip

Incase you missed it... wheelchair skills

How did this girl go down the escalator so smooth??


Guy in Wheelchair Vs. Escalator - Watch more free videos

Celtics take a closer look at the chapmionship title

but they still suck


Boston 97
Lakers 91

Game 5
Sunday 6:00 pm

If you know someone that jinxed the game by not sitting how they usually sit, not wearing their lucky skid marked underwear, or not watching the second half cause the lakers were killing them, then brutally rape and beat them until they realize that we might not have a Parade.

Feel free to rat out the laker Jinxer in your family and/or crew. Tell your story so we as fans can learn and benefit from it by burning their house down.

Quickie: Campaign Cola

Jones Soda (hipster brand of cola made with pure cane sugar in bizzare flavors such as kosher Christmas ham flavored soda) has launched this site with three new flavors of cola.

Basically you're voting for your favorite candidate by buying his/her flavor.

Obama's tastes like purple drink.

McCain's tastes like Ensure.

Hillary's tastes like Estroven Extra Strength.

Nationalism and Sports

Lakers basketball with my family is like watching a bunch of Islamic extremists (or people waiting in line for gas). We turn into animals when watching.

Last night was pretty ridiculous. We all beat our chests everytime a score was made and every call against the Lakers was an obvious attempt by the refs to rig the game. We took offense to EVERYTHING just like extremists.

I can't wait til the Lakers win. I'm tired of seeing Kevin Garnett commercials. I hate that guy. Only because he's playing against the Lakers.

Garkahar wants me to write a post about public toilets. Tomorrow there will be a post on public toilets and on SNEAK OUT DAY.

My mustache is well groomed and prepared to play MGS4.

LAKERS BABY!!

White/ black Reporter... Dont BUG him

Its hard to hide your thug side  in country conditions

Myspace Monday: Back from Hiatus

Alrighty, so I am writing again about myspace. Happens to be about another bulletin, fuck you I'm not that repetitive.

NOTE: This is an actual bulletin and my actual message back to her.

Bulletin:

i really think im dying, why oooo why , my last wish is to survive throught skool , even though i wont be there tomaro and maybe wensday.......................................................... yup its for sure im dying!!!!!

-wow terribleness everywhere in this bulletin

My Response to The Bulletin:

I do not know how you lasted that long in school with that kind of spelling. Stupid ass.

-Not too harsh

Her Response Back to My Response Which Was Because of Her Terrible Spelling:

im dying and all u care about is my spelling??? wow thanx for caring!!! =)

-bitch

Yuri Douchebag Insight of the Day: My spelling is usually very terrible but shit; that was pure baby vomit. That was as if you cut off all my fingers and told me to type a sentence with no backspace. She reminds me of monkey incest, or something of that matter. She was born out the butt of a man, don't ask me how... actually ask me how. When I read that bulletin, I imagined her hanging herself but then she decided she didn't want to die so she used her toes to kick at the keyboard as she swung from her fan, and happen to type this butthole soup into a bulletin. Her brain seemed to collapse on itself, and create a black hole. She probably wishes her skull was used somewhere more useful because that thing called a brain in her head is not keeping her alive. I know what your thinking, and no she isn't blind! I was thinking the exact same thing. Her mom must of done bellyflops into the ground when she was pregnant. Fuck you vsbx.net reader.

This is Yuri Douchebag reporting on Myspace Monday

BRING BACK THE LEVER

Pussy-Ass Refs

Is it just me or are the refs calling a bunch of pussy-ass fouls on the Lakers yet ignoring everything the Celtics throw. Give me a break, a techincal on Kobe because he celebrated a made shot but every damn time the Celtics yell and hit their chest it's ignored.

IT SHOULD BE IGNORED... WHO GIVES A FUCK?

These are some pussy ass refs and I've never seen a slower first half in a basketball game because of these pussy ass calls. I've said pussy ass so many times that I'm going to draw a pussy-ass.

Who knows maybe next I'll draw a pussy foot because I love the phrase "Stop pussy footing around." Love it.

Secret Informants of the Moustache Movement

Recently my secret facial hair informant informed me that some weak minded fools have been snickering behind my hairy back about my creepy moustache as if it wasn't my intention of being creepy. These are the fools that simply do not have the balls to to grow one until Shea LeBouf grows one and suddenly it becomes cool. I have news for you: you either don't have balls because biologically you are a female or you don't have balls because you're a fag (not the sexually oriented kind of way either, the kind of way that people look at you and have absolutely no respect for you kind of fag. Homos, we have no beef here yet.)

I had a beard for awhile but then I looked around and noticed every metro/homo/pretty boy was growing some form of beard. I decided to say "Fuck That" and grew what only men over 48 and three quarter years should do: grow the 'stache. And if you think you're too cool to grow one; you are a slimy, quivering, dripping vagina that happens to have a dick by some sick joke of God.

The benefits of having a 'stache:
1) Chicks who dig it are fucking freaks and by fucking freaks I mean they fuck like freaks.
2) Number one pretty much sums the 'stache shit up.

Moustacioed people aren't going to take this sitting down. We are going to take it standing up while you sneer to your poser friends behind my back you will not see the goddess sucking my weiner in public and relishing every smelly pube that happens to tickle her nose. She will sneeze and nose cum will go all over my waist. You will never tap into this deviant world that only the 'stache assholes have access to. You are too much of a bloody vagina to even try.

Don't worry once Shea LeBouf finds the sack to grow one I bet you'll all join in the club and it wont be the cool seedy underworld it used to be.

A good indicator that something isn't cool: Rivers Cuomo. He was cool in an uncool way in 1994. Now he's just totally not cool. A moustache definately belongs on him.

Don't torture yourself with the Red Album. Just forget about Weezer. They're not going to be any good anytime soon. Listen to Blue and maybe Pinkerton every once in awhile. Otherwise, that guy has a goddamn moustache and a cowboy hat.

Fully Flared

I thought this was sickkk!
Does anyone know if they used graphics or did they actually blow shit up???

Tuna, Porn, and Pussycake

CHR here, blogging from my parent's house... narrrr! Earlier, as I was watching TV and eating the tuna fish sandwich my mommy made me I began to wonder what I could possibly write about today. I soon came to the realization that I am lame and the answer is... nothing. So as a disclaimer, this blog will be pointless, sort of like Vladmir's "Bob Barker and The Pussycake", but I have decided to take the high road and not point out every bit of Vlad's stupidity, especially since he did that himself in the previous blog. Who forgets to pee?! AND who watches the View?! In his defense though, I'm sure Vladmir was doing something manly while watching. Fixing a household appliance? Smoking a cigar? Watching porn? Oh Vlad, I think we all know which one of those it was.

Anyway, I saw The Strangers last night. Let's just say, I wish I had brought more beers in my purse. Don't go. It's a waste of money, unless you sneak in of course... but if you do, at least be high.

Don't fret, the pussycake is coming soon friends. As soon as both cake mix AND icing go on sale.

One final thought:
At least win ONE tonight Dodgers, I'm praying for you fuckers, and Lakers, do your thing, no prayers necessary.

Wifi From It's A Grind and the View

First off let me say hooray for Obama. Thank God it's finally over. Just waiting on Hillary to give her concession speech. I'm actually kind of glad now that it's all said and done that the race went until June. It probably made Obama a much stronger candidate and if he can beat the Clinton machine, he can definitely beat McCain.

I'm connecting from It's a Grind because our neighbors moved out, those bastards.

Last night I was thinking so much on the toilet that I didn't think to pee. I was just shitting and shitting and later in the night I thought to myself, "Damn, I forgot to pee." Never thought that would ever happen in my entire life but it does.

This morning I watched The View and noticed the size of the V. I'm kinda thinking they meant to make the V so huge and dominating that you can't deny that it's a vagina. That and everyone on the show is a woman. It makes sense.

I'll be posting more as the opportunity arises. Thanks Mr. Nipple and Yuri for holding down fort while I'm farting around Long Beach.

A Damn Good Skit That you Probably missed! Nicholas Fehn

DONT SAY YOUVE NEVER SEEN TITTIES AT A KANYE WEST CONCERT!

Real Life Rambo

link: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-517310/Survival-expert-Stallone-fan-changes-deed-poll-Rambo.html

interesting article I came upon when I was searching Rambo images for a european history project.

If you are too lazy to read, quick summary of it. This man changed his name to John Rambo because he believes he is the real life Rambo. Read it.

Future Hybrid Motorcycles

0 to 60 in 3 seconds

up to 75 mph

Crash Rating = Splat!

Gay looking fat kid slapping his gay looking fat kid raising bitch of a mom

If you raise fat kids in pink polos
you deserve to be slapped by fat kids in pink polos

Hence my new organization

F.K.A.M.R.F.K.I.P.P.

Fat Kids Against Moms Raising Fat Kids In Pink Polos

(If your mom has the right to dress you and feed you than you have the right to slap her.)

I salute you gay looking fat kid, not only did you slap your mom after she got you ready for tv, you did it in front of your idol Dr. Phil. If he could shed the pink polo and blossom into a gay looking fat man then you could too. 

VIVA  F.K.A.M.R.F.K.I.P.P!!!

'NUFF SAID NIPPLE

Bob Barker and the Pussycake

CHR informed us today that she thinks Drew Carey is "waaaay better than Bob Barker ever was." That's like saying high fructose corn syrup is way better than sugar ever was. CHR, you're an expert at life now. You have 21 years of experience doing this whole living thing yet you have ignorant views such as this. 

Drew Carey is funny. I agree. He's kinda good. But I miss the subliminal misogyny that Bob Barker brought to the table. I also miss watching a corpse walking around with a thin ass microphone. 

CHR is also planning on baking a chocolate pussy cake. Yum.

I'm sure we'll have a post dedicated to that event. 

This was a pointless post but we might be running out of internet access soon because the people we are jacking it from are moving out. Posts might be few and far between but me being an internet addict will find a way just like homeless drug addicts somehow get drugs. 

Anyways, I call upon Yuri, Nigel, Margareane and Mr. Nipple to fill a void that may eventually happen when the internet well runs dry. 

P.S. I'm watching Password hosted by Regis Philbin. Rachel Ray is on and she's annoying as fuck. For the record Meredith Veira was a waaaaaaaay better host for Who Wants to be a Millionaire than Regis. There I said it. 

Another CHR moment: (We're watching Password)

CHR: I wonder why when he (Neil Patrick Harris) says Navy this bitch says blue.

Myself: Navy blue.

CHR: Oooooooh.