GTA DAY

I went to the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto IV at my local GameStop. I knew had to document this nerd orgasm so I dressed in my infamous "party suit." Whenever I party, I eventually put on these shiny yellow shorts, a white undershirt and black socks. It's my way of saying, "Hey, I just don't give a fuck."

"Hello ladies."

Anyways, for some reason I believed this outfit to be the best possible choice for the occasion (that word looks wrong no matter how you spell it). First of all it's hot, second of all I know I'm sleeping on the couch with controller in hand tonight so why not dress in night time clothes?

When I pulled up there were a whopping 3 people in line.

I was officially going to be the 4th person in my area to get the game. Some really tall, nerdy guy was stoked he was first. Ha, did he not see the symbolism in being 4th for the 4th title in a game series? Obviously, that man was a virgin.

He kept making obscure gaming references and confused me. So I ignored him for the most part.

Got a bunch of free shit while trying to ignore the talker.

The free shit included: a Speed Racer t-shirt (a movie that looks like it's going to blow balls), a bunch of stickers, a Speed Racer poster, a complete lack of self respect and the loss of any sexual prowess I may have leveled up through the years.

Thinking to myself, "What has my life become? Sitting on the floor waiting in line for a game." At least I'm partying harder than a martyr... I was in the presence of 80+ virgins. Praise be to the most high.

While listening to the guy talk about random Hello, Kitty shit I decided to take a picture of the crotch. Behold.

Beat that, Koran. There's like 80 virgins in this line. As an aside, what if that's what Heaven is? Being teleported to some Star Wars or Star Trek line. Think about it, the GTA:IV line wasn't that bad. Can you imagine Star Wars cosplay and waiting in line for weeks? Thanks for nothing, God.

While waiting in line a car pulled up around 11 humming a Benny Hill song and waving the game in our face. Yay, he got it before us. WHO CARES, VIRGIN.

I didn't plan on waiting in line for GTA:IV. It was a spur of the moment type deal. Those are all the pictures blogger is letting me upload so part II tomorrow. Which is officially when no one cares.

Come on now...

Why am I the only person who thinks lol cats are hilarious?

Vindicated!

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,352276,00.html

Forgetting Forgetting Sarah Marshall

For weeks I've been driving around seeing billboards saying shit about Sarah Marshall. I'm a fan of the Apatow posse flicks so it was natural for me to go see it.

It was funny.

But it was awkward.

Judd Apatow produces this flick with his characteristic boring realism style.

Jason Segel reprises his role as a douchey, over-bearing boyfriend (a la everything he's ever been in). It's funny, it works, but it probably wont work again.

Anyways here's the jist of it.

Peter (Jason Segel) goes to Hawaii to unwind after his lady of five years, Sarah Marshall (no idea the actress' name, look it up), dumps his sorry ass for some cock rocker from the UK.

Blah, blah, shit happens... Peter gets wind of a secret plot by Japanese whalers to kill a bunch of whalers off the Hawaiian coast. Peter meets that one girl from the 70s show (the one who screwed that dude from Punk'd) and they team up to stop the whalers. Lo and behold, the whalers have one thing up their sleeve and one thing only. A pair of chopsticks.

Blah, blah, blah shit happens again. A weird fucking cameo appearance by George Bush and a whole lot of dick.

I give this movie an 8=====D because I saw dick more times in this movie than I've seen my own dick (and I stroked it twice today! Once to wake up and once for nap time).

It's funny enough to make up for its pretty inconsistent pacing. At times it gets slow, some of the dialogue and jokes are forced but overall it's decent. If you haven't seen it yet, you can wait for the rental. I wouldn't pay $11.50 to see it in the theatres unless you really, really, want to see a dick the size of your body (and get preached to about the perils of whaling and the global rice shortage... I'm telling you this is one preachy ass film).

Quickie

The neo-segregationist Tony Zirkle (and a GOP candidate) attends a Hitler birthday party. What an idiot.

It tickles me that Hitler still has birthday parties. If history doesn't prove to you that Hitler is the world's greatest douchebag, the fact that he still throws birthday parties for himself should.

Watch the idiots here.

Go to Hell Tony Zirkle.

Clinton takes Pennsylvania; Obama voter cries

Damn. Clinton takes Pennsylvania.

Looks like it's guna go to the convention.

It's finally time for me to throw my hat into this one. I support Barack Obama. Super delegates, I know you're listening to me. Go with Obama.

On another note: jackjack raised an important question.

"Is Tom Petty petty?"

No idea, jackjack. No fucking clue.

What I do know though is that once the super delegates appoint Obama we're going to have a cigar. That's right. A cigar.

And if they appoint Clinton we'll send her a cigar. That's right. The memories. It'll be her turn to get some dick in the Oval Office. You go girl.

Oval Orifice.


Eagle Drags Goat off Cliff - Watch more free videos

Eagles throw goats off cliffs. You gotta see this. Go nature!

Have you ever?

Gone swimming in your bathtub?
Gone swimming in a wading pool?
Gone swimming in a swimming pool?
Gone swimming in an Olympic sized swimming pool?
Gone swimming in a stream?
Gone swimming in a lake?
Gone swimming in sea?
Gone swimming in the ocean?

Well I've taken a shit in all these places. My name is Nigel Hancock, and that's just what I do.



Well anyway, nice talking to you.

A Much Needed Trip Back to Elementary School

DISCLAIMER: this blog is not meant for any of my fellow blog contributors. I'll let you guys slide...

...but for the rest of you fuckers, I'm going to take a minute to discuss an important matter that nobody seems to give a fuck about these days: grammar. Let's get one thing straight, if you are planning to insult me via email/text/comment etc. you better get your shit together first. "YOUR A BITCH!" means nothing to me... not only because I hear it daily but because YOUR is possessive. If you are planning on calling me a bitch, at least do it right. YOU'RE is a contraction for YOU ARE. If you are over the age of 6 and don't understand this, then you should not be using the internet... or living. UR is a completely different matter. Typing UR instead of your or you're is slightly understandable with text messages, but for online purposes, you are basically saying, "I'm a lazy fuck who can't bear to type two mother fucking extra letters."

Here are a few more rules some of you might find helpful:
THERE should be used when referring to a place.
THEIR should be used to indicate possession.
THEY'RE is a contraction for THEY ARE.

TO is a preposition.
TOO is an adverb meaning "also".
TWO is a mother fucking number.

So for the record, next time I am insulted with something like this: "YOUR A DUMB HOE!", I am shitting in a bag and hiding it in YOUR car on a nice 100 degree day so that YOU'RE going to forever smell like the rancid piece of shit that you are.

Myspace Monday: Bulletin Bitches

Bulletins, I see it as a helpful way of telling all your friends or a majority of them infomation they would like to know. But somehow bulletins are now used for some half-retarded fatty cuntbags spitting diarrhea from there mouth onto the computer.

BULLETINS AIMED TO ONE PERSON:

Example:

"Subject:
do do call me....
Body:
s s so i can get it juicy for ya.♥"

First of all, I do not know what that means because it is encrypted in some language in which douchebags can communicate to each other. Second of all... WTF? That is for one person, and nobody else; have you tried this new feature on myspace that has been there since it was created, I believe it is called "comment" or "message."

I'm going to Judo Chop your spleen (Diagram below). Just stop fatty, get off the computer and exercise. Because the saturated fat is getting into your brain and effecting your judgement.

BULLETIN SECRETS:

Another bulletin i despise are bulletins that are secrets... what the fuck... here look at this guy.

*the cuss words in the subject are replacing names*

"Subject:
I LOVEEEE BALLSACK & CUNT & FAAAGGG TOO
Body:
YEAH YEAH THEY ARE MY FAVORITE GIRLS AND FAAAAGGGG EVER.I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THATS WHY I LIKE SPENDING ALL MY TIME WITH THEM! DONT TELL THEM BUT IM ASKING BOTH OF THEM TO PROM! YAYUHHHHTHEYRE SO HOTTTTTTTT"

"dont tell them but im asking both of them to prom!"....?

Why post a bulletin fucktard, they are gonna find out. Shithead your going dateless. And yes that was a guy posting... No I do not know if he is gay. Hope you break your fingers when you fingering a butthole and never type again.

BULLETINS THAT THREATEN YOU:

"IF YOU DO NOT RE-POST THIS IN 5 MINUTES YOUR GRANDMA WILL DIE"

Fuck you, no she wont. I don't need to explain, your a fucking idiot.

"IF YOU DONT REPOST YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST LUCK FOR 10 YEARS."

Okay... wait, how does this work again?

BULLETIN SURVEYS:

Label it a survey in the title dickhead so I can skip it.

BULLETINS THAT HAVE REFLECTIONS:

"i love trees and nature"

I like these, brightens my day. Keep them coming.

YURI DOUCHEBAG reporting on Myspace Monday, Bulletin Bitches edition.

Collaborative Drawing

One day about five years ago or so, my band Freddy's Four Fingers recorded a CD called "World War III." Filled with pride in my band's work, I schemed with jackjack (our official band artist) to vandalize as many things as we could with our band's logo. Armed with two cans of red spray paint jackjack, Mikhail and I tagged the F4F logo everywhere.

Our last stop was a delivery truck. Mikhail sprayed one right on the side of it and it was my turn. I got cocky and tried another one and was interrupted by one pissed off truck driver. "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" We were fucking running, that's what we were doing.

I got into my car and floored that sumbitch. I didn't realize Mikhail was in the back trying to close the trunk from the inside and almost flew out of the car. He could have been dead that night but he wasn't. Instead, something greater happened: collaborative drawing was born.

After the high of almost getting raped by an angry truck driver, getting away with vandalism, and almost killing my revolutionary partner we decided to head over to my house and just relax.

Something important was born that day: COLLABORATIVE DRAWING. My dad had a white board. Me and jackjack started drawing. These monstrosities occured.

Some bald lady with a face for an ass




Something really gay.

The good news is this tradition from five years ago carries on today. You see me, jackjack, and CHR live in a box. It's an apartment but a lot of our time is spent in the common area doing a whole lot of nothing. jackjack has a bound drawing book and we decided to do some collaborative drawing pieces in there. Little by little the whole damn book became full within a few months. Anyone who knows me knows that I draw some nasty shit usually involving dicks. Here was our first collaborative piece in the box:

Childhood icons partaking in some blasphemous shit

I don't know what to say.

An untrained eye might see that nothing's changed. Just two immature assholes drawing immature asshole-like things. Well sure, that may be true. But I got a lot better at drawing dicks in the past five years.

More collaborative drawing posts to be sprinkled into the updates every once in awhile.

Feminizing a Beard

Growing a beard is the ultimate symbol of "Hey I have a dick, look at me." Most women can't grow a beard, only men can. That's why a beard is the ultimate symbol of masculinity. Yet as beards regain the fame they once enjoyed in the 1880s a disturbing phenom has also been rising in popularity.

Feminizing a beard.

How the hell could you feminize a beard? You may ask. Trust me. It can be done.

Just imagine Jessica Alba with a beard. How would she groom her beard if having a beard was sexy for a woman?
It's a thin line of hair styled with just the right touch of gay. How long does it take these guys to shave? See, I view a beard as convenience. If you're anything like me there are few things you hate more than shaving every morning. It takes longer to ensure that your beard is as thin and perfect than just shaving the whole thing off.

If you spend more than 2 minutes shaving, you are either shaving off a real beard or styling a feminine beard. That's what we're going to call it from now on. The feminine beard. I'll tell you why I had to name it too. I'd be damned if I found an image on the internet of a feminine beard. I see these grease balls with feminine beards all over the place in the physical world but for some reason there is not a single picture of one of these beards anywhere on the internet. I guess the missionaries of New Jersey culture stick to the real world and shun the net.

My theory is that you can't really call them beards and the beard community (and believe me there is actually a community for them) doesn't accept such a femine beard. They're hiding. They're proud of their little feminine creation but they don't feel it gets the respect it deserves. So they don't take pictures of themselves and when someone takes a picture of them, they wait around for the chance to delete the picture from the photographer's camera. They're like thieving little leperchauns, these femine bearders.

Related Link:
http://www.beards.org/styles.php Masculine beards can be pretty gay too.

Back again

Yo, many of you (all three of you) will remember who I am.

I am Vladmir. Yes, THAT Vladmir. The one who wrote and drew comics for the infamous tsgx.net website.

This is my sequel to the now defunct (hopefully it'll be back) tgsx. This is vsbx. Vladmir Strikes Back.

It's going to be much like the same but much different too. Whatever, you'll see how it's going to turn out. Funnies, Politics, Art, Music, etc...

We are going to have a wealth of contributors to ensure that this site rarely suffers from content droughts. We'll be producing webshows and all that kind of nonsense. Enough rambling. The show'll start soon.

Amen.