The Story of America's Beginning

In the year 1776 on that fateful morning of July 4th, the brightest thinkers in all of the colonies came together to declare their independence from the tyrannical British government. Of course, they charged other colonists $20 each for the hardcover version and accused them of being un-Anti-Authoritarian if they refused to buy it or, even, if they refused to watch their show on FOX News.

1/3 of the colonists did, 1/3 of the colonists did not, and 1/3 of the colonists were slaves who, frankly, didn't give a shit what the name of the white man was who was lording over them.

So there it started, Thomas Paine ordered cheap Chinese fireworks for the festivities but inadvertently started a huge war when the Brits mistook them for nuclear weapons. See, a much overlooked fact of history is that once the Declaration (#DecIndie was the tag for it on Twitter) was signed, the British were ready to give up power without a fight. The colonists had no taste for football and the British simply could not rule over such an uncivilized mass of farts who didn't see the merits of a game ending in a tie.

Frightened to the point of panty-sore, King Freddy Poonsauce amassed his great armies under the direction of General Cornholis. Huge battles began. First, the British won a battle and the Brits pretty much gave up and started stalling because 1-0 is unsurmountable. But the Americans, much more accustomed to Basketball, knew that 1-0 meant nothing. They fought back and they fought back hard. Soon it was tied at 1-1. The Brits gave up. That was good enough for them.

But the Americans... they had read the Overton Window and knew that victory did not stop at a tie. So they won the next battle.

The end.

Plugging up the oil

Here's my solution to the BP oil leak that wont stop ejaculating.

I figure my idea's as good as anyone's at this point.

Instead of using golf balls and pubic hair to clog it up, why not use the carcasses of dead animals that the oil has killed?

You wont have to beg for any pube donations.

FLK

I was enjoying an Italian restaurant meal tonight with a few friends and noticed a really fat mom with a proportionally fatter 5 year old. The kid was round, for God's sake. Being the asshole that I am, I started making fun on the two to approving snickers of my comrades.

As they kept snickering, I kept going. But soon my jokes went from mean-spirited fun to a passionate diatribe about irresponsible parents sending their kids to their early deaths and short lives full of unhappiness. The world is a mean, nasty place.

I wanted to pull the mom aside and let her know that I, a 24 year old adult, spent my entire dinner making fun of the kid over something the kid couldn't control. Imagine what the schoolyard will be like for her. It's not her fault her mom feeds her nothing but pure crap. The kid probably has diabetes and if she doesn't, she will.

It's fine to eat crap. It's your goddamned choice as a dumb human. I eat crap and I pay for it. It's my right to suffer the consequences of my own laziness. Mother, you can eat all the Happy Meals you want but don't force your own depression and dissatisfaction with your own life down your kid's throat. Her life will be full of pain, her life will be unhealthy, her life will be short. And it'll be all your fault, mommy.

Don't have kids if you can't take care of them. Fine, get the kid a Happy Meal every once in awhile. But make sure she eats some fuckin' carrots.

America, eat your fucking heart out.

On the way out, my comrades advised me against looking at the fat kid and her fat, dumbfuck, retarded, waste of breath mom on my way out. I couldn't help it. The kid was the saddest looking kid I ever saw eating some great spumoni.

You've fed her so much crap that she can't even appreciate what should be an occasional delight; spumoni. Instead, like the rest of the processed garbage you feed her, she treats it like any other food: a chore to calm the insatiable appetite you taught her.

Fuck you.

Out

This site has gone in and out of existence lately.

It will continue to do so.


There is something here to be mad about.

Fuck you, I'm writing a post

I'm getting into this recessionomics thing every talking head was political meme-ing about throughout early 2009. You know the whole story about the word "staycation," and other meaningless bullshit they farted about back in those days.

Now that Meg Whitman is running for governor (something only her live-in female "roommate" could have anticipated) I decided to get to know her a little more intimately by selling all my shit on eBay.

eBay's like this site where you can totally be matched up to different sellers and buyers through a sophisticated process known as capitalism.

Idiocracy. Who the fuck liked that movie? Why the fuck did I have it? And why the fuck was someone willing to pay me 11 fucking dollars for it?

When I was a puberty stricken adolescent, my mom sold my NES at a garage sale to a family of tough negotiatin' African Americans. My mom had set the price at $60. They said $5. Confused and worried that her price was too high, she yelled for me. Being a dumb ass fuck head, I went out looking like an idiot with my hair unbrushed. I was chewing on a donut and I had another donut in my hand. My breath stunk of all night long AIM chatting and my hands were dry from wasting-an-entire-cartridge-of-color-ink-on-photos-of-women-touching-their-pussies-to-take-to-the-shower-and-beat-off-to (or: beating-off-while-taking-a-shit-then-quickly-A.C.-Slater-straddle-the-toilet-seat-to-shoot-in-the-bowl).

I stuck out my hand for a shake. They declined.

"$5, kid," the lady looked at me. She had on sunglasses and it was overcast outside.

"No, way. Not for sale," I said.

"I can walk into any Toys-R-Us and buy one of these for $15."

Long story short, Ma sold it for $15 and it included every single fucking one of our games. Not to mention the fact that this happened a month ago and there's no fucking way a Toys R Us carries an NES. Even our fucking Game Genie.

Now, some Buttercup puts their god damn system up on eBay with some shitty games and makes a whole year's of work out of it.

I'm not saying I have a copy of Stadium Events. I'm saying those bastards have it.

The END.

The thing I hate about Super Mario Bros Wii

Is that the 6 year old kids in the commercial are having a fucking blast playing the game. I'm an adult and I feel like kicking babies every time I play the damn game.

Rent-A-Cops

Security guards have got to be the biggest dumbfucks on earth. Sometimes I think I hate them more than cops... sometimes. They're all butt hurt because they aren't cops so they act like assholes. The worst part is, they don't even know what they're talking about! I had a run in with one last night...

I went to a local hill/park to watch a meteor shower with a good friend. We were sitting on a bench minding our own business when out of nowhere a huge light shines on us. After my initial confusion, I noticed it was coming from a cop... I mean... SECURITY GUARD car. Pffffff. So naturally, we just sit there and keep talking. The security guard, some scrawny little piece of shit, resembling a nerdier Barney Fife, walks over to us and says, "THANK YOU FOR IGNORING ME! THE PARK IS CLOSED!"

Now... since WHEN does shining a light from your car mean "Come over here!" From my experience, when a cop shines his light on you, he is looking for alcohol, drugs, weapons, etc... The LAST thing he wants you to do is WALK over to his car. How do I know more about this shit than a security guard? You know how? Because security guards are FUCKING RETARDS.

END.

OMG

Jesus loves her.

Sucks...

Oh Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck is against net neutrality because he believes the internet was invented in the private sector and therefore should be molded by whatever stupid ass scheme corporations come up with to bilk every dollar out of consumers.

Glenn Beck is an idiot. The internet started off in the military. Not that that makes it any freer, it's just that it sure as hell didn't start off in the private sector for private applications. Quite the opposite.

I love to hate Glenn Beck.

Olive Garden

Allow me to tell you about Olive Garden:

It always gives me the shits. Tonight I have to go to Olive Garden for a family dinner but I already have hardcore beer shits. Seriously, they are watery messes that are still hard to push out.

After every beer shit I look down and smile because I've made my private toilet look just like the one at Dodger stadium.

Ouch, that hurts. Dodgers. Jesus Christ. I thought this was our year. Next year Manny will come back with titties and he'll be able to hit (hopefully). Get Manny back on drugs. He's got one more season left in him. Let the poor old man prop himself up for as long as Barry Bonds was able to prop himself up. It's just too damn bad that after steroids you're going to need some cialis to prop your Louisville Slugger up. BA CHANG.

Why do I have beer shits today? Last night I drank many a brew at this small bar across the street from the race track. We were the only douche bags in there and we were even allowed to stay long after it closed. What a delightful time for unhappy people!