Greetings from Slovakia, bitches.
Let me just say to you that European bitches are amazing. No matter how fucked up their faces are, or how shitty their language is compared to English, they have legs for days.
Never have i realized how much fat ass american bitches need to get off their ass and move... move somewhere... Mexicans move back to mexico and anything other than white bitches, please move as well.
Secondly, ethnicites of European women are so condensed. It is lovely. Each country has a distinct taste of women. Walking down the street i dont have to worry about the random ugly fat mexican that i might happen upon that might ruin my boner that i have mustered from the few hot bitches i have seen. Dont fret though Americans, I have been letting my American flag staff fly all day (sadly only americans recognize it). God bless aMerica.
Please wait for a picture of my 4th of july celebration here in europe.
06 July 2009
04 July 2009
Independence
What was widely viewed across the pond as a bunch of tea bagging faggots quickly turned to a full blown revolution.
Dumb asses today tea bag to make some kind of point about something.
When the colonies revolted, they were led by thinkers like Thomas Paine and Thomas Jefferson.
Today, tea baggers are led by Glenn Beck.
Ah, God bless America. Give a man a microphone and he automatically thinks his mouth is his brain. Thank you, America. Thank you, George Washington for all you risked to give us the 24 hour news cycle. Happy birthday, America.
Dumb asses today tea bag to make some kind of point about something.
When the colonies revolted, they were led by thinkers like Thomas Paine and Thomas Jefferson.
Today, tea baggers are led by Glenn Beck.
Ah, God bless America. Give a man a microphone and he automatically thinks his mouth is his brain. Thank you, America. Thank you, George Washington for all you risked to give us the 24 hour news cycle. Happy birthday, America.
25 June 2009
Thriller
I was at work serving an eternal line of face fucker customers.
I had unexpected sexual stimulation from my phone vibrating non-stop for about 5 minutes.
I came a little.
I heard from a manager that Michael Jackson was dead.
I didn't believe her, but I did have a weird sinking feeling. The feeling you get after you jerked off to Japanese scat porn. The "something's fucked up here" feeling.
Then I checked my phone messages and saw that tons of people texted me to inform me that Michael Jackson died. It was fucking true because everyone said it was true, dammit.
During my childhood, I loved Michael Jackson until he started loving other people's childhoods too much. Still, Thriller is a great album and if anything people should remember him by that.
Also, one person texted me to tell me that the Dodgers lost. This was a real heart breaker because I lost 20 on the game.
20 June 2009
Bright idea
Wow, this is so horrible on so many levels.
Why post this publicly? Especially when so many people are merely pseudo-friends who are just looking for ways to make fun of you?
There's a dance move that requires a bathroom sink? Who does dance moves after taking a shit?
This deserves to be mad fun of and I am doing it.
17 June 2009
Sports betting
Very recently a friend of mine introduced me to sports betting. At first, I was very suspicious of the whole thing but now I am addicted.
I don't have a blackberry or any new-fangled, fancy schmancy, faggotorious phone so I keep the teams I've bet on in the back of my pocket notebook and constantly text message this friend for updates on the games. I have become obsessed.
The problem is when you win your bets. I am not an experienced jockey so I never know when to get off a winning horse. I feel today may be the day of my destruction (or major come-up).
Cross your fingers and hope Seattle, Tampa Bay, Milwaukee, LA Dodgers, St. Louis, and NY Yankees win. Those fuckers, the Giants, didn't win so I'm already down for the day. If none of these teams win expect to see me sobbing uncontrollably as I stroke myself back to my senses.
15 June 2009
The violence in Iran
When governments become too sure of themselves to even blatantly rig elections and then call them "divine assessment," it is up to the people to take matters into their own hands. Their votes, the institutional right given from the government to the people to give them a voice, did not count. When a right is taken away, especially when it is the most fundamental right to a democracy, matters must be taken outside of the institution.
This is how true democracies are won.
Democracy cannot be bombed onto or forced on by foreigners like we tried to do in Iraq. It has to start at home and in Iran, it is starting.
Even though Mousavi is pro-nuclear and not exactly what the West would hope for in a leader, he is leagues away from the thug Ahmadinejad. It is my sincerest hope that the riots grow stronger in Iran. Ahmadinejad is an arrogant prick and deserves this unrest.
That and I bet on Mousavi, dammit!
EDIT:
This is how true democracies are won.
Democracy cannot be bombed onto or forced on by foreigners like we tried to do in Iraq. It has to start at home and in Iran, it is starting.
Even though Mousavi is pro-nuclear and not exactly what the West would hope for in a leader, he is leagues away from the thug Ahmadinejad. It is my sincerest hope that the riots grow stronger in Iran. Ahmadinejad is an arrogant prick and deserves this unrest.
That and I bet on Mousavi, dammit!
EDIT:
LAKERS!!!
12 June 2009
Out of Stater Haters
Yesterday I got into what could quite possibly be the worst road rage argument I've ever been in. I say 'quite possibly' because I have no memory anymore but I'm pretty sure this one takes the cake.
So... I'm sitting at a big intersection minding my own business and behind me is a douche bag in a mini van with his fat ugly toothless wife next to him and retarded piece of shit kids jumping all over the back seat. All of a sudden douche bag decides that he wants to turn left so he cuts off a city bus to quickly get into the left turn lane. The city bus honks at him. In my opinion, if a bus honks at you, this means you are driving like an idiot. The light turns green and all of a sudden douche bag decides he doesn't want to turn left anymore, he wants to go straight, so he cuts me off in the middle of the fucking intersection with no blinker. Of course, I honk, and when I honk, it's not quick, I let it go for a good ten seconds so douche bag is well aware that I'm pissed. Douche bag flips me off, so I do the same. This goes on for a good mile until we find ourselves right next to each other at the next red light. This is when the screaming fest begins:
DB: You tried to hit me!
Me: Have you heard of using a blinker?!
DB: Whatever! Blinker! Whatever! You tried to hit me!
Me: Are you hearing yourself?! Yes, you're right, I tried to hit you. I WANT to fuck up my car! That's EXACTLY what I was trying to do!
DB: You know what?! Everyone in California drives like morons! I'm from Cleveland and in Cleveland people let other people over!
Me: You don't need to say anything else! That explains it all! Do people in Cleveland know how to use fucking blinkers?!
(Light turns green)
DB: You know what! You have a nice day!
Me: You know what! Go back to fucking Cleveland because we don't want you here you piece of shit!
Believe it or not, this is the condensed version. The actual incident consisted of more of the douche bag repeating himself and calling me a moron and more of me cussing and screaming 'fuck you, go fuck yourself'.
Moral of the story: if you happen to live in one of the 49 states besides California, FUCKING STAY THERE.
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So... I'm sitting at a big intersection minding my own business and behind me is a douche bag in a mini van with his fat ugly toothless wife next to him and retarded piece of shit kids jumping all over the back seat. All of a sudden douche bag decides that he wants to turn left so he cuts off a city bus to quickly get into the left turn lane. The city bus honks at him. In my opinion, if a bus honks at you, this means you are driving like an idiot. The light turns green and all of a sudden douche bag decides he doesn't want to turn left anymore, he wants to go straight, so he cuts me off in the middle of the fucking intersection with no blinker. Of course, I honk, and when I honk, it's not quick, I let it go for a good ten seconds so douche bag is well aware that I'm pissed. Douche bag flips me off, so I do the same. This goes on for a good mile until we find ourselves right next to each other at the next red light. This is when the screaming fest begins:
DB: You tried to hit me!
Me: Have you heard of using a blinker?!
DB: Whatever! Blinker! Whatever! You tried to hit me!
Me: Are you hearing yourself?! Yes, you're right, I tried to hit you. I WANT to fuck up my car! That's EXACTLY what I was trying to do!
DB: You know what?! Everyone in California drives like morons! I'm from Cleveland and in Cleveland people let other people over!
Me: You don't need to say anything else! That explains it all! Do people in Cleveland know how to use fucking blinkers?!
(Light turns green)
DB: You know what! You have a nice day!
Me: You know what! Go back to fucking Cleveland because we don't want you here you piece of shit!
Believe it or not, this is the condensed version. The actual incident consisted of more of the douche bag repeating himself and calling me a moron and more of me cussing and screaming 'fuck you, go fuck yourself'.
Moral of the story: if you happen to live in one of the 49 states besides California, FUCKING STAY THERE.
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08 June 2009
Word Nazi
Hello everyone out there in VSBX-land.
Last night whilst playing darts at jackjack's home we were having a delightful conversation about the movie "The Hangover." Some of my friends sneaked in. I didn't see it with them so I paid like an upstanding American fucking citizen (before you give me any awards I assure you, I would have sneaked in had I the chance).
Well when recounting the stories I used the word "sneaked." CHR, the resident Word Nazi, cackled her well known cackle and said, "SNEAKED isn't a word! It's SNUCK!" Following the word "snuck" she let out another cackle that would make the Wicked Witch of the West jealous.
I replied, "I'm pretty sure sneaked is okay."
"No. SNEAKED isn't a word. It's snuck!"
I gave up saying, "Okay, you know what I was trying to say. Let's agree to disagree."
The game of darts continued.
Today I remembered what happened and decided to open up a dusty dictionary.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sneaked
"—Usage note
First recorded in writing toward the end of the 19th century in the United States, snuck has become in recent decades a standard variant past tense and past participle of the verb sneak: Bored by the lecture, he snuck out the side door. Snuck occurs frequently in fiction and in journalistic writing as well as on radio and television: In the darkness the sloop had snuck around the headland, out of firing range. It is not so common in highly formal or belletristic writing, where sneaked is more likely to occur. Snuck is the only spoken past tense and past participle for many younger and middle-aged persons of all educational levels in the U. S. and Canada. Snuck has occasionally been considered nonstandard, but it is so widely used by professional writers and educated speakers that it can no longer be so regarded."
I know you don't want to read that so I'll summarize: both forms are acceptable except that "snuck" became popular because toothless peasants started using it because it sounded "better."
Next time the Vladman says "sneaked," shut your face up you toothless peasant.
For the record: I maintained that both forms were acceptable so I reserve the right to say them both.
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Last night whilst playing darts at jackjack's home we were having a delightful conversation about the movie "The Hangover." Some of my friends sneaked in. I didn't see it with them so I paid like an upstanding American fucking citizen (before you give me any awards I assure you, I would have sneaked in had I the chance).
Well when recounting the stories I used the word "sneaked." CHR, the resident Word Nazi, cackled her well known cackle and said, "SNEAKED isn't a word! It's SNUCK!" Following the word "snuck" she let out another cackle that would make the Wicked Witch of the West jealous.
I replied, "I'm pretty sure sneaked is okay."
"No. SNEAKED isn't a word. It's snuck!"
I gave up saying, "Okay, you know what I was trying to say. Let's agree to disagree."
The game of darts continued.
Today I remembered what happened and decided to open up a dusty dictionary.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sneaked
"—Usage note
First recorded in writing toward the end of the 19th century in the United States, snuck has become in recent decades a standard variant past tense and past participle of the verb sneak: Bored by the lecture, he snuck out the side door. Snuck occurs frequently in fiction and in journalistic writing as well as on radio and television: In the darkness the sloop had snuck around the headland, out of firing range. It is not so common in highly formal or belletristic writing, where sneaked is more likely to occur. Snuck is the only spoken past tense and past participle for many younger and middle-aged persons of all educational levels in the U. S. and Canada. Snuck has occasionally been considered nonstandard, but it is so widely used by professional writers and educated speakers that it can no longer be so regarded."
I know you don't want to read that so I'll summarize: both forms are acceptable except that "snuck" became popular because toothless peasants started using it because it sounded "better."
Next time the Vladman says "sneaked," shut your face up you toothless peasant.
For the record: I maintained that both forms were acceptable so I reserve the right to say them both.
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26 May 2009
The Bushman and Kim Jong-Il
North Korea is testing us. The reason they are testing us is because we are so mired in Iraq, they want to see how far they can push us before meaningless UN resolutions turn into real action.
Bushman screwed the US by going after a country who had no WMDs, who posed no credible threat to the US and blah blah blah that's old news. The problem is we no longer have the resources to attack credible threats.
Kim Jong-Il is a decrepit old man and we need to tear his ass a new one. What we did in Iraq is what we should do in North Korea. Destroy the leadership. How do we do that now? No fucking idea.
You tell me.
Bushman screwed the US by going after a country who had no WMDs, who posed no credible threat to the US and blah blah blah that's old news. The problem is we no longer have the resources to attack credible threats.
Kim Jong-Il is a decrepit old man and we need to tear his ass a new one. What we did in Iraq is what we should do in North Korea. Destroy the leadership. How do we do that now? No fucking idea.
You tell me.
25 May 2009
The joy of modern life
Sometimes I think that the world is too computerized and bullshitty with our yearly American Idol contests, our Twitters, blogs, Facebooks, and manufactured NBA playoff narratives (Lebron vs. Kobe ... NO CONTEST. KOBE.)
Occasionally, though, I love the modern world. Today you can be a peeping tom without ever even leaving your armchair. Armchair voyeurism. Armchair snooping. Real life soap operas. It makes my boner itch just thinking about it!
I'm friends with two people who are dating on facebook. They have their twitters linked up to their facebook or whatever (don't know shit about what it all is and I feel like a total fag either twitter or facebook let alone both in the same sentence.) Turns out there is trouble in paradise.
This morning opened with the female saying something to the extent of, "I got a lot off my breasts this morning. I don't know what to do with myself! =("
Oh yeah, I curled up with my cup of coffee just waiting to see the response of the male.
10 minutes later he facebooks his status: "Who's it gonna be... him or me?! What's he have that I don't!?"
This is like the good episode of Full House when DJ has to choose between the burnout guitar player and the young and nerdy entrepreneur.
These two do this all the time and unfortunately this story probably will end like the rest of them. The guy will put his dick between his legs, admit he was 100% wrong in everything and commit the ultimate act of apologizing and proving his love to his two timin' bitch. His status update will read: "I love [first name][middle name][last name][then his last name as a little joke to imply that they were meant for each other and will eventually get married because they can resolve problems!]"
She will get his status update while the other man is boning her in the ass on his armchair browsing through people's facebooks.
Occasionally, though, I love the modern world. Today you can be a peeping tom without ever even leaving your armchair. Armchair voyeurism. Armchair snooping. Real life soap operas. It makes my boner itch just thinking about it!
I'm friends with two people who are dating on facebook. They have their twitters linked up to their facebook or whatever (don't know shit about what it all is and I feel like a total fag either twitter or facebook let alone both in the same sentence.) Turns out there is trouble in paradise.
This morning opened with the female saying something to the extent of, "I got a lot off my breasts this morning. I don't know what to do with myself! =("
Oh yeah, I curled up with my cup of coffee just waiting to see the response of the male.
10 minutes later he facebooks his status: "Who's it gonna be... him or me?! What's he have that I don't!?"
This is like the good episode of Full House when DJ has to choose between the burnout guitar player and the young and nerdy entrepreneur.
These two do this all the time and unfortunately this story probably will end like the rest of them. The guy will put his dick between his legs, admit he was 100% wrong in everything and commit the ultimate act of apologizing and proving his love to his two timin' bitch. His status update will read: "I love [first name][middle name][last name][then his last name as a little joke to imply that they were meant for each other and will eventually get married because they can resolve problems!]"
She will get his status update while the other man is boning her in the ass on his armchair browsing through people's facebooks.
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